GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

Earlier I posted about my quest to Have Less Stuff. (See: LIFT AND SEPARATE where I gave away a xylophone that I have no recollection of acquiring.) On this episode of Less Is More, I part with my childhood games.


• CLUE
• CHESS
• CAREERS (one of my favorite games as a kid)
• BACKGAMMON (can't remember how to play that one)
• RUMMY Q (another childhood favorite whose rules are no longer in my brain)
• THE BEVERLY HILLS GAME (some kind of local Monopoly-type game)
• TWISTER (which was actually purchased by Zing Systems, L.P. for use in a training film.

Again, I posted an ad on Craigslist. The best response I got was from a schoolteacher named Ivy.

     "I work with children age 6-10 at Magnolia Elementary
     School downtown. Games are a wonderful therapeutic
     tool but unfortunately with all the school budget cuts
     teachers/therapists often have to spend out-of-pocket
     to get materials for the kids."

So instead of throwing these things into the trash, now the tots are enjoying them. It makes me feel good knowing I've helped introduce some six-year-olds to Clue, America's favorite board game about murder.

HE PUTS THE "OLD" IN "GRAND OLD PARTY"

The "John McCain is old" joke is as old as, well, John McCain himself. But the joke's on you - literally - when you wear this handsome McCain 2008 BC t-shirt from Diculous Designs. Go buy one now - because like McCain himself, this shirt is anything but conservative.
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SEACREST OUT

On this day in 2004, I walked out the door of On Air With Ryan Seacrest never to return. I admit that from the beginning I never had much faith in that particular ill-fated five-day-a-week live talk show.

In the stand-up world, there's an expression: Know Your Audience. Meaning among other things - don't work blue during the early show. In this case, the folks behind On Air should have asked the question: Who's gonna watch this show?In most markets, it was on in the afternoons - around 3:00 p.m. So it's the Oprah crowd. But for some reason, the show seemed to have more of a TRL-meets-Entertainment-Tonight vibe. It was too hip for housewives and too lame for teenagers.

I spent my first few weeks writing material that was rejected by one of the EPs as being "too funny." I still have memos from him with that comment. (I imagined the viewer sitting in front of the TV set laughing... and then saying "Christ, this is too funny - I gotta change the channel!")

A couple of weeks later (after the entire writing department essentially gave up trying) Ryan came to me personally and asked me to write jokes for him for his opening remarks. So for a little while, I would sneak into his dressing room 15 minutes before the general morning meeting and give him material. Until. One day, an EP came in early and saw me with Ryan in his dressing room going over material. I was taken aside and told "Ryan isn't funny. Don't write jokes for him." And I was no longer allowed to meet with Ryan prior to the general meeting again.

It wasn't long before many good people started going insane - this is supervising producer Michael Weinberg at the precise moment he lost his mind.

After that, the writing department was more or less dissolved, and the opening remarks I wrote for Ryan became exclusively about American Idol. Which required me to go to the taping of Idol twice a week - every week. I started looking for another job.

I got one almost immediately, gave notice on the 13th and left for good on the 14th. The shame about On Air is that I think it actually could have worked. As it was, it was schizophrenic - from the dual foci of the show ("It's Extra and it's Rosie!") to the EPs who fought so violently in the office next to the writers room that it actually frightened one of my writers. But the conflicts never got resolved, and the show failed. I've heard Ryan landed on his feet.

I hardly ever get my photo taken with celebrities (except for the annual Christmas card), but there was one guest that I knew for the sake of my friends I had to be photographed with. So without his knowledge, I positioned myself behind West Beverly High’s Brandon Walsh while official On Air photographer Reena pretended to be taking a photograph of him for the On Air website.

I was never allowed to try to make Ryan Seacrest funny, but I consider this photograph one of my career triumphs.

DISMANTLED

Most of my carpentry projects involve putting things together. This one was the opposite - demolish Chris' fireplace mantle. I didn't have the foresight to take a BEFORE picture, but Nicole was smart enough to snap this DURING photo:

The trick was removing the mantle without accidentally ripping down the entire wall — a tall order because there was no access to the screws holding the mantle to the wall. I suspected we could get most of it down with a power saw and a crowbar — but I guess it's like the old saying goes... "When you all you have is a power saw and a crowbar, every problem seems like a mantle that needs to be demolished."

Here's the AFTER photo.

Actually, all of the walls stayed up — here's the real AFTER photo.

As you can see, it's a total disaster: a perfectly good mantle was replaced by Paul Moyer.
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RAW MEAT

I don't eat much red meat these days, but I'm a big fan of the miso skirt steak at Gyu-Kaku. So when Reena suggested it, I said "hai!" (Except that I said it in English.)

Gyu-Kaku is an interesting restaurant concept — it's sort of Benihana for control freaks. There's a charcoal grill in the middle of your table. The waitress brings you raw meat, fish, vegetables, etc., and you cook 'em. I've enjoyed every meal I've ever had at Gyu-Kaku, but at the end of the meal, there's always the question: How much do I tip the waitress for not cooking my food? I mean, if I'm doing all the cooking... shouldn't she be tipping me?

This time I got lucky: Reena did the grillin' and Matt paid for it. I plan to make up for it by taking them to sushi — that's raw food again, but this time no one has to even cook it.

THAT WOMAN

Who doesn't miss The Clinton Years? Make it deja vu all over again by picking up a Clinton T-shirt from DiculousDesigns.com.And like a good Clinton, we charge plenty of tax.
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TIME WARP

At the grocery store today, I saw this week's Time magazine. On the cover is a hideous chimera — a mythological creature with
the head of Hillary Clinton and...
the head of Barack Obama.
The title splashed across the photo it reads "There Can Be Only One."

But what caught my eye was the subtitle in the lower right corner:

"Three scenarios for how this can end"

Um, let's count...
1. Barack Obama wins the nomination.
2. Hillary Clinton wins the nomination.
3. ???



Does the third option include
an alien?

It's gotta be an alien, right?