GOONIE

Today I went on a picnic. That's right, a picnic! What? Come on, stop laughing!

I'd not seen my friends Ilyse & Dave in a long time, and they suggested the picnic idea. It was a nice day to be outside, and the park was a good place for their adorable five-year-old son Jack to run around and expend the kind of energy that only five-year-olds and chronic Red Bull drinkers have.

(The photos of him happen to be taken in the only two moments of the day when he burned out.)

The kid took a liking to me — I regaled him with sloppily-performed magic tricks, and in turn he diligently and thoroughly relieved me of my socks.

Jack is a great kid; he's smart and adorable, and he's at an interesting age — he's coming over the hump of Everything's About Me! and learning that sometimes he has to wait while Mommy is talking before he can speak... or wait until Daddy's taken his turn before Jack may turn over a Candyland card.

The kid has had five years on this planet where everyone else in his world catered to his every whim. If he wanted anything, he cried and got it. Other people literally wiped his ass for him. And now all of a sudden he's expected to behave just like the rest of us. Man, it sucks.





I was trying to think of an analogy, and the best I could come up with was The Coreys. For five years, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim had fans and agents and personal assistants who kissed their asses. If they wanted anything, they got it. And then one day it was all over.
So the next time you see a tot crying because he's not getting his way, realize that he's not a brat. He's just a mini Corey Haim who's wondering where all the License To Drive fans have gone.

THE RETURN OF FULL FATHOM 5

Though short a man, the Full Fathom 5 returned to trivia night barnstorming last evening with a trip to Ye Olde King's Head in Santa Monica.

Despite the horrible sound system that almost caused us to miss one round completely...
Despite the hoards of cheaters looking up answers on their iPhones...
The Five came from behind to dominate. And here is our glorious prize...

Twenty-five dollars?!
We're never going back to that shithole again!

Ye Olde King's Head - check
Springbok - check
O'Brien's - check many times over (plus set new bar record twice)

Looks like its time for FF5 to hit the road. The Valley won't know what him 'em.

VARIETY OF USES

I bought a box of Q-Tips today. And for the first time I actually looked at what's on the box. Not exactly instructions per se, but a list of the "Variety Of Uses" for Q-Tips. First of all, none of those uses are what one actually uses Q-Tips for (cleaning one's ears).

Take a look at the Variety Of Uses -

apparently one is for applying First Aid ointment to eyebrows,

the second is for cleaning your computer keyboard,

and the fourth is scrubbing your shower.

But what caught my eye was the third use - the one with the baby.

Just what exactly is that person doing with that baby and the Q-Tip? Poking its eye out?

PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT THE ART

We went to the Laguna Art Festival today. It was a lot of fun, but I can't post any photos of the artwork or the Pageant Of The Masters because at every festival there were signs all over the place declaring that photography was prohibited.

It is beyond me why artists wouldn't want people displaying their artwork on the internet to a worldwide audience. Essentially, they're saying "I'm an artist, and I want the smallest number of people to see my work."