SUMMARY JUDGMENT: PART 2

It's been awhile since we last looked at movie loglines as written by some bored employee over at TiVo. Here are a few new favorites.

Wait a minute — was that what the '60s series was about?

Hippies and toxic waste?

It's the age-old story.
Oh, Lifetime.

I love this one not for the logline but for the title.

This movie is based on the book Marie Antoinette,

not the person Marie Antoinette.

Speaking of royalty, booty reigns supreme on Booty Island.

Do people really find "wet, juicy" butts appealing?

Me, I prefer a dry butt.

Bone dry.

Hey-o!

Yes, I'm quite intrigued by the unique viewpoint of said lusty vixens.

Again, this one's just for the title.

This porn title construct doesn't work with very many occupations,

by the way. "Lawyerholes" isn't very sexy, for example.

THE HISTRIONIC REPORTER

December 31st, the Hollywood Reporter cried that there was 

"no end in sight" to the Time Warner/Viacom dispute! (fifth story down)

 

24 hours later: dispute over. (fourth story down)

The Hollywood Reporter can't see very far at all.

 

SICK

The other week I got an email from a friend of someone I used to know telling me that she's "Telling cancer to take a hike!" by going hiking in Yosemite in order to raise money for a cancer charity. And she wanted me to empty out my wallet.

For the life of me I couldn't figure out why she'd sent me this email. First off, I'm pretty sure this chick hates me (because I wouldn't put her on one of my game shows), so I don't know why she'd think I'd give her money. Second, there was no explanation about how my donating money to charity was connected to her going to Yosemite.

I thought it might be like the old-style walk-a-thons where you sponsor someone by the mile, but that wasn't it — she was soliciting for lump sums. I followed a link in the email and eventually got to the website of the organization that runs the hiking trip, Team In Training.

According to Team In Training, it's going to be "a fabulous weekend" for the hikers. Their "travel, lodging [and] guide fees... are all covered for an unforgettable weekend experience." Yes, it turns out it's "all covered" — by the people who are being asked to donate money to fund cancer research.

Bizarrely, this girl's email directed me to her own fundraising page where she actually informs donors that only "75% of your donation will go directly to finding a cure." So if you were to donate $1000 to her "cause," 250 of your dollars intended for charity would actually be going towards her "fabulous weekend."

I'm no math genius, but if this lady paid for her own holiday, wouldn't 100% of the money go towards charity?

It seems that what she's really doing in the middle of the worst recession in a generation is conning her friends into paying for her vacation — on the backs of cancer patients.

Hard to say if that's bad karma or if it's just... sick.

(Here's where I make most of my charitable contributions anyway.)
 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Over the years, I've come to own a few Sentry safes. I'm looking to unload them, so I went to Sentry's website to get some info on the safes for my forthcoming Craiglist ad.

According to Sentry, this was one of their most Frequently Asked Questions:
If Sentry is being asked frequently why their safes open with a pen... what exactly does that say about the quality of Sentry safes?
 

THANK YOU, INDIA

Every time I have to deal with Customer Service, before the call is over I always ask the agent where he or she is located. I do so because I'm curious to know just how many companies have outsourced their customer support to foreign countries. There's always a pause after I ask. I think that maybe they're afraid that if they answer "India," they're going to get an earful from me.

Recently I contacted Ebay about a technical glitch in an auction I was running, so I utilized their Chat Support system. Basically that's just a call center in India where an operator who knows nothing about Ebay asks you what your problem is, secretly types it into a database and then spits out the canned answer in a friendly tone.

As usual, at the end I inquired where the operator was physically located. She refused to tell me, citing "security reasons." It's a bullshit answer, of course. Does Ebay think I'm going to hop a flight to Bangladesh and try to hunt down and murder "Jessica F"?

JOURNEYS WITH JEN

This is Jen and me in 1991.
We were a couple of young college kids who got some free airline tickets for signing up for a credit card. Destination: New York City.

We stayed with some of Jen's friends in a cockroach-infested apartment in the Village. The view was spectacular.
In our wildest dreams, we never could have imagined that the view was so tenuous.

Over 17 years later, Jen and I took another trip, this time to San Francisco.

At the top of Jen's checklist was Alcatraz. It didn't occur to us to purchase tickets in advance — it turns out that Alcatraz was the hottest ticket in town. Every tour was sold out for the whole weekend. How's that for irony — we couldn't buy our way into the prison.
This is as close as we got. Which is OK, because Jen loves blimps.

Five bucks for a one-way ticket on a cable car these days.
At that rate, it's not mass transit anymore; it's solely a tourist trap. An hilariously fun / stomach-turning tourist trap.

We made the obligatory stop at Ghiradelli Square. I was hoping they'd resumed manufacturing their raisin chocolate bar. No dice.

We walked all the way from the pier (where I had the best fried shrimp of my life) to Pacific Heights. No small feat.
From a prison to a paradise: here's a shot of Alcatraz from the top of the Heights.

We spent New Year's Eve at a wedding in the Castro. I saw a lot of very tall ladies with very big hands.