THE NEW SLIM JIM

REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL FOUNDATION & LIBRARY (PART 2)

Lawn... Of... Fortune!

The Reagan Library is a natural habitat for snakes. 
(Hm... is Lee Atwater buried here too?)

There are cameras trained on the mausoleum 24 hours a day which makes me wonder — do they expect Zombie Reagan to make a break for it one day?

There's the Peace Plaza...

...where an U.S. Navy F-14 Tomcat sits... peacefully.

2010 VANCOUVER WINTER OLYMPICS

You know what's a dumb last-minute idea? Trying to go to the Winter Olympics. But that was my dumb idea. So we did it. The plan: fly to Vancouver, see an Event, and fly back the same day.
.
I didn't know who would be playing when I bought the tickets because it was a Qualifying Playoff game. Surprise, it's...

Switzerland vs. Belarus

The arena was nearly packed, though not with Swiss or Belarusians — 
the crowd was mostly comprised of Canadians.

This Canuck made a sign that expressed the sentiments of his compatriots: 
" We Couldn't Afford Canada Tickets."

Though it wasn't USA vs. Canada, the Switzerland vs. Belarus game was actually really exciting; the teams were very evenly matched at 8th and 9th place after the first round of play.

"Um... I think you're in my seat."

The phrase "MAKE SOME NOISE!" loses its impact when it's in French. 
Also when it's coming out of the mouth of Quatchi, the most adorable Olympic mascot.

Uh-oh — I did not factor Overtime into the schedule. 
That's OK... there's still a chance to make the flight back to LA.

...except that the game was still tied over Overtime. Our beloved Belarus lost to Switzerland in a shootout.

REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL FOUNDATION AND LIBRARY (PART 1)

The first thing you see when you walk into the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation and Library are the Purell dispensers. Much like Reagan, it's inexplicable — sanitize your hands all you want, you are prohibited from touching anything in the place anyway.

Most of the docents looked about 16-years-old (likely nearby Simi Valley High School students); I was convinced I could stump them with "Where are President Reagan's wooden teeth displayed?"

The docent working the Oval Office facsimile, however, was full of good information. He was, at it happens, British.

Visitors are not allowed to walk through the fake Oval Office, nor are they allowed to sit on the furniture or touch anything. This was also confounding — nothing in the set is an actual antique, nothing has any real or historical value. And yet... visitors are prohibited from touching any of the fake stuff.

But what about all that Purell? Are we supposed to eat it?

Anyway, the British docent recounted one of my favorite pieces of White House trivia: the story of the Resolute Desk.

The desk was a gift from Queen Victoria and has been used by many Presidents since (notably by President Kennedy). In 1845 Sir John Franklin set sail from Britain to find the Northwest Passage to Asia. He disappeared, and a rescue mission was launched in 1852 on the HMS Resolute. The Resolute got stuck in the ice and was abandoned. It later turned up, and the Queen decreed that timber from the ship be used to build the desk which was presented as a gift to President Rutherford B. Hayes.

In other words, it is traditional for our President to sit behind a desk made out of a shipwreck.

UNFORTUNATE NEW PRODUCTS

I'm no marketing genius, but I think Johnson & Johnson's 
foray into adult hair care products was ill-advised.

HOT DOG!

When I received something in the mail from my high school reunion committee asking for a life update and a photo, I made this and told them that I'd become a "professional eating champion."

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD

Here is compendium of photos I have taken of depressed, anxious or angry stuffed animals.

Found at a Hallmark Store, here's a Christmas turtle that seems to be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.

(If you don't adopt these Rescue Pets, are they put down with My First Intravenous Euthanasia Kit?)

This is the least carefree-looking unicorn I have ever seen.  And I have seen many a unicorn.

If you're looking for a murderously angry polar bear, FAO Schwartz is the place for you. 

The Mr. Bump doll has the distinction of being the only children’s toy that suffers from a traumatic head injury. 

This is a puppy dog doll. A puppy dog doll that was born with a disease whereby his skeleton is on the outside of his body.  Perhaps we should keep an eye on children who like playing with Skelanimals, the only stuffed animals with exoskeletons.

.

OFF THE WALLPAPER

I took a look at a place on Sunset a few weekends ago. I suspect the owner might have resided there for a long, long time...

TEETH DO NOT FIT LIKE THEY USED TO

While looking into what my sore throat might be, I found another entertaining symptom on WebMD.

A BAD SIGN

A sign in the Men's Room at a restaurant in Santa Monica.

(if you think this is funny, maybe you'd love the t-shirts at TVsauce.com)

BAG O' BABY

Buy 'em by the bag!

GRAB A STICK OF FREEMARK ABBEY VIOGNIER 2007

I'm not a wine guy. But I had a cabernet at Wilshire recently that was worth trying to track down. I didn't find it, but a Google search directed me to a white wine from the same vintner. The "Winemakers Notes" of their 2007 Viognier were perhaps the oddest description of a wine I've ever read.

"This wine has an appealing light straw color. Aromas of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum comes to mind immediately, in addition to ripe banana, grapefruit, lemon-lime, mandarin, pear, honeydew melon and white peach. There is a subtle hint of angel food cake adding to the complexity of this immensely fruity and floral wine; lively flavors of grapefruit and white peach compliment great balance. A wonderfully zesty finish leaves a fresh taste impression."

For those of you keeping score at home, the wine tastes like this.

HOME

Oh, what I wouldn't give to live here.

SCENTS AND SENSIBILITY

What exactly is an "Unscented Deodorant"?

THE KING OF BEARDS

Erin Dollar made me a beard.

Erin is a young woman from Portland who has a talent for sewing and a love of beards. She's got a blog called I Made You A Beard where she chronicles her obsession with facial fuzz, and she has a store at Etsy where she sells her delightful creations.

Using felt, thread and sometimes yarn, Erin sews beards of all types. From Santa to Lumberjack.

Best purchase I ever made.

SAN DIEGO ZOO 2

Head to Toe

Saddest turtle in the world (and that's saying something)

Man Carrying Gorilla

.

I LIKE NIKE

I was ordering a pair of new Nikes the other day through NikeID — Nike's website that allows you to customize your sneakers. In addition to picking colors of your shoes and laces, Nike also allows you to "ID" your shoes with your name (as long as it's eight letters or less).

While experimenting with various eight-letter words, I discovered that Nike prohibits certain words from appearing on its sneakers.

Feel free to put the Republican nominee's name on your shoes...

...but if you try to put the Democrat's name on 'em, Nike says "No, you can't!"

Nike thinks GOD is good...

...but JESUS isn't just all right with them.

You can't put HITLER on your Air Jordans...

...but they're fine if you're just a regular ol' NAZI.

And they say "da" to STALIN.

Wanna advocate for MURDER? Nike says, kill it!

I think it would pair well with this SUICIDE sneaker.

If you're more into blue collar crime, lace up the Air PERJURY!

This is my favorite of all the words banned by NIKE.

GOING DUTCH

Foreclosed. Poor Danes — they survived the Second War of Schleswig but not the collapse of AIG.