ITALY TRIP PART VI: DOVE È LA MIA VESPA?

Italians love their Vespas.

There are only two things they love more — and I have combined them to create a product that would be a million-dollar best-seller in Italy: a cell phone you can smoke.
.

ITALY TRIP PART V: WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU DUOMO

The Basilica di Santa Maria del Fiore

a.k.a Piazza del Duomo

Plans for the catherdral buildings were approved in 1296 and completed in 1436.

(And I thought the Santa Monica city council permit process was slow.)

Hard to take a bad picture in Florence.

View of the Duomo from the roof of the Uffizi Gallery

Italy's architectural roots run deep, but the future is relentless.

In the Piazza della Signoria: Michelangelo's David

(from this angle, you can't see his "Goliath")

ITALY TRIP PART IV: PETERED OUT

VATICAN CITY

The dome of St. Peter's Basilica and the dome of my head

"Great news — you got the cleaning/restoring St. Peter's gig!

Um... how do you feel about heights?"

Cleanliness is next to godliness

ITALY TRIP PART III: HOLY SEE, HOLY DO

St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican City
Luckily, the day I took the tour, the Lord made a cameo appearance.

God is watching us from a distance… of about 452 feet.

Here's the official tablet that lists all the pontiffs.

It's the Stanley Cup of Popes.

I'm not fluent in Latin, but I believe this translates into "TV is Christ."

The Pope is protected by a security team comprised of the most elite Renaissance Faire jugglers.

.

ITALY TRIP PART II: ROME IF YOU WANT TO

The Coloseum

(shot from below to give it that sense of, you know, grandeur)

The Amphitheatrum Flavium was completed in 80 AD. People still go to it even though it doesn't even have luxury boxes or cup holders.

The Spanish Steps (minus the steps)

ITALY TRIP PART I: I CAME, I SAW, I FLEW COACH

The flight to Rome on US Airways features an in-seat monitor with a real-time GPS map.

I noticed something very odd listed on it: "Titanic: 1912."

That's right — in addition to dots representing the cities over which you are flying, US Airways also helpfully shows passengers the precise location of the world's most famous maritime disaster (1,517 deaths).

But it's no anomaly — the airline also has points on its map for "Hollandia: 1743" and "Egypt: 1922."

276 passengers died when the Dutch East India Company's ship the Hollandia wrecked off the Isles of Scilly. After being torpedoed by a U-230, the SS Egypt sank off Ushant, Brittany. 86 perished.

Why does US Airways include shipwrecks on their airline GPS maps? Do they think the message Hey, you could just as easily die on a boat too! somehow soothes skittish airplane passengers?
.

HALL PASS

A late night of cooking/shooting at Patina,

but before that I got to snap a few pics

of Walt Disney Concert Hall.

The stainless steel helps keep the cryogenic chamber perfectly cool.

.

ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SOME FUNGI

Screw paper clips -- stealing office supplies at the new job (MasterChef) is a lot more interesting.

Mmm, black truffles.
.

JOYLESS

I think this might be a cry for help from the folks over at the Almond Joy division of Hershey:

FOUND COMEDY: SNOOPY JAW HARP INSTRUCTIONS

These are the actual instructions that came with the Snoopy Jaw Harp I purchased 25 years ago (click to make larger):

BETTER LATE

In 1998, I submitted for the Late Show with David Letterman. My comedy packet caught the eye of an executive at Worldwide Pants named Kate Adler. She invited me to CBS for a meeting — it remains the best meeting of my career. Adler was supportive, knowledgeable and funny.

Adler sent my submission to the head writer of the Late Show, Tim Long. He liked my stuff enough to want to do a phone interview. We spoke for a while, and he finished the call by saying "Your submission is really funny — all you'll have to do is meet [executive producer] Rob Burnett and you're probably good to go." It looked like my lifelong dream of writing for David Letterman would be coming true.

Then Tim Long quit the Late Show.

Long became a writer on some cartoon show. A great career move for him, but it had a butterfly effect on mine.

For a while, I ended up in limbo. At some point, Adler from Worldwide Pants called and assured me that I'd be hearing from them again.


Months went by, and I didn't hear from anyone. It took so long, I forgot about the whole thing, drowning my sorrow in question writing for Win Ben Stein's Money and then Singled Out. But I finally got the call — the Late Show's new head writer would like to interview me. In person. Shortly after, I received a plane ticket in the mail. I flew out to Manhattan where the show had booked me a room at Le Parker Meridien. With a view of Central Park.

The interview with the new head writer was the polar opposite of my meetings with Kate Adler and Tim Long. To say it went poorly is an understatement. I won't go into the details, but it wasn't really my fault. (One of the first questions was "So [the head writer of the show I worked for] is sleeping with [the female star], huh?" which is kind of an unanswerable question at a job interview.) I dodged the question, and that didn't seem to sit well with my interviewer. The brass ring had slipped away.

Years later when I read that the head writer with whom I'd interviewed left the show, I called my then-agent at William Morris. "The people at Worldwide Pants liked me, Tim Long liked me... the only one who didn't like me is the guy who isn't there any more. Can I get another interview?" I asked him. My agent responded by saying, "I don't really know anyone over at the Late Show." I blinked a few times and responded, "You should get an agent. I hear they're helpful at opening doors."

I'm not bitter that I missed my shot at writing for Dave. I think about it this way: When I was 12 or so and living in Parsippany, New Jersey, I used to wait until my parents went to sleep and then sneak downstairs into the living room to watch Late Night with David Letterman. I'd turn the volume way down so my parents wouldn't hear the TV. Consequently, in order to hear the jokes, I'd have to sit with my face right up against the television. Years of watching Late Night centimeters away from the TV has probably made me sterile.

So the idea that someday I'd actually have a legitimate shot at that dream job is astounding. To be invited in to the upstairs offices of the Ed Sullivan Theater is enough.

Well, maybe almost enough.

I still enter the Late Show's online Top Ten Contest from time to time. It's sort of like scratching my phantom comedy limb. Prior to this week, I'd made it on the list three times.

I forget the first one.

Top Ten Rejected Titles For "Brokeback Mountain" (01/01/2006)

Top Ten Least Popular New TV Shows (10/11/2008)

My rewards for winning were a Late Show cap, a Late Show t-shirt and a Late Show mousepad.

On April 25, 2009, I won a fourth time. I was lucky enough to be picked for #1 and this time I gave a shout out to my old home city of Parsippany:

On Christmas 2010, I made it onto the list for the 5th time.

I wish I were being offered The Job instead of a t-shirt.
But I'll settle for knowing that I can still make the list.

----------

NOTE:
This post has been updated several more times as I continued to be lucky enough to make it onto more Top Ten Lists.
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8

LABELED

How could I not label my labelmaker?

HEARST CASTLE TOUR #2

San Simeon, August 2010

The outdoor pool. It looks cool and all, but it's not even heated.

The interiors are as nice as the exterior.

And the view's pretty good too.

The indoor pool. 

Some of the tiles contain flakes of actual gold, which if you ask me, is almost a little gaudy.

NEW YORK NECKS

Available on shirts and stickers at TVsauce.com

WINGS: NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM

A Gulf Fritillary

A Cloudless Sulphur

A Spicebush Swallowtail

A Mourning Cloak

When the sun finally poked through at noon, the butterflies got more fiesty.

A Mourning Cloak landed on my shoulder and remained there for nearly the rest of the visit.

A Monarch

A Pipe-vine Swallowtail
(if you know what I mean)

Unidentified Butterfly

Zebra Longtails