TEETH DO NOT FIT LIKE THEY USED TO

While looking into what my sore throat might be, I found another entertaining symptom on WebMD.

A BAD SIGN

A sign in the Men's Room at a restaurant in Santa Monica.

(if you think this is funny, maybe you'd love the t-shirts at TVsauce.com)

BAG O' BABY

Buy 'em by the bag!

GRAB A STICK OF FREEMARK ABBEY VIOGNIER 2007

I'm not a wine guy. But I had a cabernet at Wilshire recently that was worth trying to track down. I didn't find it, but a Google search directed me to a white wine from the same vintner. The "Winemakers Notes" of their 2007 Viognier were perhaps the oddest description of a wine I've ever read.

"This wine has an appealing light straw color. Aromas of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum comes to mind immediately, in addition to ripe banana, grapefruit, lemon-lime, mandarin, pear, honeydew melon and white peach. There is a subtle hint of angel food cake adding to the complexity of this immensely fruity and floral wine; lively flavors of grapefruit and white peach compliment great balance. A wonderfully zesty finish leaves a fresh taste impression."

For those of you keeping score at home, the wine tastes like this.

HOME

Oh, what I wouldn't give to live here.

SCENTS AND SENSIBILITY

What exactly is an "Unscented Deodorant"?

THE KING OF BEARDS

Erin Dollar made me a beard.

Erin is a young woman from Portland who has a talent for sewing and a love of beards. She's got a blog called I Made You A Beard where she chronicles her obsession with facial fuzz, and she has a store at Etsy where she sells her delightful creations.

Using felt, thread and sometimes yarn, Erin sews beards of all types. From Santa to Lumberjack.

Best purchase I ever made.

SAN DIEGO ZOO 2

Head to Toe

Saddest turtle in the world (and that's saying something)

Man Carrying Gorilla

.

I LIKE NIKE

I was ordering a pair of new Nikes the other day through NikeID — Nike's website that allows you to customize your sneakers. In addition to picking colors of your shoes and laces, Nike also allows you to "ID" your shoes with your name (as long as it's eight letters or less).

While experimenting with various eight-letter words, I discovered that Nike prohibits certain words from appearing on its sneakers.

Feel free to put the Republican nominee's name on your shoes...

...but if you try to put the Democrat's name on 'em, Nike says "No, you can't!"

Nike thinks GOD is good...

...but JESUS isn't just all right with them.

You can't put HITLER on your Air Jordans...

...but they're fine if you're just a regular ol' NAZI.

And they say "da" to STALIN.

Wanna advocate for MURDER? Nike says, kill it!

I think it would pair well with this SUICIDE sneaker.

If you're more into blue collar crime, lace up the Air PERJURY!

This is my favorite of all the words banned by NIKE.

GOING DUTCH

Foreclosed. Poor Danes — they survived the Second War of Schleswig but not the collapse of AIG.

SUMMARY JUDGMENT: PART 2

It's been awhile since we last looked at movie loglines as written by some bored employee over at TiVo. Here are a few new favorites.

Wait a minute — was that what the '60s series was about? Hippies and toxic waste?

Who can't relate?

I love this one not for the logline but for the title.

This movie is based on the book Marie Antoinette, not the person Marie Antoinette.

Do people really find "wet, juicy" butts appealing? Me, I prefer a dry butt.

I suppose they might have a unique viewpoint.

Another bizarre title. This job + "hole" porn title construct doesn't work with very many occupations, by the way. For example, "Lawyerholes" isn't very sexy.

UNSAFE

According to Sentry, this was one of their most Frequently Asked Questions. 
Which begs the question: if Sentry is frequently being asked why their safes 
open with a pen... that's... well, that's not a safe.

BACK AND TO THE LEFT

Yahoo News chose the perfect photo to accompany this article about left-handers.

ON TILT

Here's a weird symptom on WebMD's "Symptom Checker."

"Yeah, Doc, I'm having difficulty swallowing... 
and I've noticed it gets worse every time I drink a big glass of poison."

BABY IN A BOX

Here's a warning label that was affixed to a plastic storage box I bought at Target. When gifting a baby this Christmas, don't put it in a box — be responsible and wrap it in a festive mylar bag.

RETURN TO FOREVER

Chris had an extra seat to the reunion tour of Chick Corea's band Return To Forever. The lineup was legendary: Lenny White, Al Di Meola and Stanley Clarke.

So what's the biggest difference between seeing any random show at the Universal Amphitheater versus going to a concert by the seminal jazz fusion band of the 1970s? Well, at intermission, the line for the men's room was 20 deep.

By contrast, here's a shot of the line for the ladies' room:

ESPERANZA SPALDING AT THE CATALINA BAR & GRILL

Cell phone photo. (My cell phone provider's service is pretty much on par with the camera quality.)

TIVO LOGLINES

I went looking though the TiVo program guide to see if there was anything on TV worth recording. There's not, but I did find some amusing loglines.

Spoiler alert!

Ah, it's the age-old story. On Lifetime.

Be careful not to confuse the ASSraelis with the POLEstinians.

Their appetites... for sausage pizza?

Finally — a Henny Yougman reference in a porn title!

SEACREST OUT

On this day in 2004, I walked out the door of the live daily talk show On Air With Ryan Seacrest and never returned.

I spent my first few weeks writing material that was rejected by one of the EPs as being "too funny." I still have memos from him with that comment. (I imagined the viewer sitting in front of the TV set laughing... and then saying "Christ, this is too funny - I gotta change the channel!")

The relentless schedule was brutal. It wasn't long before many good people started going insane — this is supervising producer Michael Weinberg at the precise moment he lost his mind.

Reena took this.

SEATTLE 200

Virgin America differs from other airlines in that the aircraft is bathed in hip, violet lighting. And they pump high-energy electronica music into the bathroom. When you're peeing, you sort of feel like you're in the world's most exclusive disco..

The walls of hot dog restaurant Diggity Dog are covered with drawings by children of dogs. This is my favorite — a barking hot dog. I wonder what this child thinks is in his Diggity Dog.

Here are a few shots from Jen's houseboat — she lives on a boat! (Well, sometimes.)

I chose not to find out what an "Ichiroll" tastes like.