SOCK IT TO ME

These "Queen Size" socks are okay but I was looking for something in a California King.

CAT'S CRADLE: THE SANTA MONICA CAT SHOW (IN COSTA MESA)

No line for the Men's Room at the Cat Show.

The stakes are high.

HALLOWEEN 2015

Continuing my annual Halloween tradition: 
I put a sign on the door that says "TAKE ONE PLEASE" 
and empty bag.

Putting the finishing touches on my Sia costume.

WELL, BY DEFINITION… YEAH

THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

To be honest, this breakfast cereal looks more like Garlic Toast Crunch.

SECOND BOURNE

Ever have one of those days when an anesthesiologist who's got the same name as you gets indicted for stealing Native American artifacts?

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OCEAN

Next stop on the Vietnam tour was the beach city of Hoi An. Whoever art directed this place is a genius.

At one point it occurred to me: "I'm usually on the other side of this ocean." Could you see me waving?

For reasons I am still unclear on, Vietnamese beach trash receptacles are shaped like penguins. Eat my garbage, Happy Feet!

On a scooter tour of the countryside, we got to see a woman who makes zillions of rice crackers in her home.

She dries them out on the porch like laundry.

For now: lovable pets. Later on: Bún Thịt Nướng.

I can't remember if this was tea or something stronger... like snake wine. Or gasoline.

The tour guide was delighted when I told him that I had a scooter in college, and encouraged me to take the wheel for awhile.

Considering the hyper aggressiveness of Vietnamese motorists, the caption of this photo easily could have been "Died trying to drive a Vespa in Vietnam."

DELICIOUS CONTRADICTION

METALLIC-UH?

Well then what is the Titanium Series coated with?!

BUTTON

No, this is not a pictogram of Jesus' halo finger. It's a public bathroom flush button. What's weird about this flush button is that the manufacturer felt the button itself was not self-explanatory enough so they added the pictogram. And stranger still, the finger presses a button — but it's not the shape of the flush button.

BLOW YOUR TOP

The headless mannequin clenched his fists, barely containing his rage.

THE PAUSE THAT DOESN'T REFRESH

Welcome to the future... where vending machines now have software. And when that software crashes, you can't get a can of pop out of the machine.  

I tried pressing Control + Alt + Pibb on this one, but nothing happened.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 5

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 4

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 3

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 2

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 1

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

OLD SPICE

If Vasco da Gama could see how easy the whole spice thing is for us now, his head would explode.

IT'S HARD TO THINK

It IS hard to think of one… except for 
Lucy, Fonzie, Chaplin, Skywalker, Ferris, Gilligan, 
all of the Bradys and for pete's sake Sulu!

WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

The other day, my window disappeared. At least that's what it looked like. Got to my car — no window.

Turns out, the window regulator broke, and the glass vanished into the door. Without a working motor, the window wouldn't go back up. The price to fix it? $350-500.

Unless you do it yourself.

First I took the door panel off. (And left it in my kitchen because that's kinda funny.)

Then I removed the plastic weather seal and disconnected the wires.

Here's the shiny new regulator. I could've bought it online, but I spent a little more to get it from  Engler Bros Auto Parts in Santa Monica. The reason? If we all keep buying everything from Amazon, there won't be small businesses in a few years.

Repair time: about 2 hours. Total cost: under $100.

UNBROKEN

EVEN MY iPHONE HAS COMMITMENT ISSUES

  

WELL, THAT CHAPS MY HIDE

Not one, not two, but THREE giant tags sewn into the waistband of the Gap's tagless boxer briefs.

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

My shredder broke. It started making bad noises and stopped shredding. So I took it apart. I monkeyed with the guts, put it back together and got it working again.

About the best your hands can look after they've been in a shredder.

These are all the parts left over after I put the thing back together. Somehow it worked just fine without 9 washers, 3 screws and four black things.

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BLUE STICK

There's a school on the Westside named for President Teddy Roosevelt. But for some reason they've depicted the famous Rough Rider as a Na'vi from Avatar. I can't remember — was free unobtanium a part of the Square Deal?

A PRODUCT TO DIE FOR

No, this wasn't in a police evidence locker; I found it at my local hardware store.

DECK THE MALLS

I just saw this dress in Macy's. Are women flocking to the "Mrs. Claus look" this summer?"

DISCOUNT STALKING

Based on this sign by the exit, I think Sears is stalking me?

…OR NOT

GUATEMALAN LOVE SONG

In the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Jane Lynch's character Paula tells Andy (Steve Carell) that her former Guatemalan gardner / lover Javier once serenaded her with a "beautiful old Guatemalan love song" which went like this:

Cuando arreglan mi cuarto
No encuentro nada.
Donde va con tanta prisa?
Al partido de futbol.

For those of wondering about the English translation, it's roughly:

Whenever they clean my room
I can find nothing.
Where are you going in such a hurry?
To a soccer game.


Weird, huh? Anyway… you'd probably love the funny t-shirts and stickers at my online store: TVsauce.com

SAN FRANCISCO

Transamerica knuckle

Textbook Pizza at Tony's

Palace of Fine Arts

The least mysterious room at the Winchester Mystery House