Safeway (aka Vons) sells generic versions of sugary cereals. Each one has its own loony mascot. And each one is utterly terrifying. Witness:
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh77sDUWOlfVsVgmwgGVav_isdhe13xK5G1ACiC6a86k5Kn8Jj48ENHxc8nCsAftiOWpEktvCufrUVJbSYh0EoF3UA57G140TmKDkNhWMh7e7limaiY2Wtfyo7FutAMKK5WmdftPjZ4r4rn/s640/IMG_3353.jpg) |
Cinnamon Crunch is the generic version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The mascot of the name-brand cereal is a kindly old baker named Wendell. But Safeway has chosen a space alien to represent their cereal. Is there some connection between extra terrestrials and cinnamon that I don't know about? |
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgALEJFUGHLYYJ9jN2pIbdf1cAhLnAC2cHX2twgfAcp-9-ljXeW4Dc3VqkNu_LI9z1LhPvVtR8uwKUGDwxjZ6Y36LS8opBfVTZvpUNYaEPKaNfj8MbKXDamBDWiEiEIFuEBnM62wsX7WPpE/s640/IMG_3354.jpg) |
Well, obviously Cocoa Nuggets is the generic of Cocoa Krispies. Now, if the cereal were banana flavored, the monkey mascot would make sense. And maybe I could get on board this mascot if he were a brown monkey. You know — brown like cocoa. But inexplicably, he's a green monkey!
(By the way, there are green monkeys. Known as Sabaeus monkeys, they spread the deadly Marburg Virus in the '60s.) |
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8g4DasZh70oc078ORulRJwKy533egU7VDH_UeBM0gQpWf49czeC8nHDhtZoilk8YwIBD9vBHL3EDZcQucf1TZXB31zJUE5SbOIKB1yqtEsTOx9l4Rlu2nGSjeB8KIbY9OtTBbc9tfbVpJ/s640/IMG_3352.jpg) |
Okay, this one's on the nose. But hey — Apple Orbits makes more sense than Apple Jacks, right?
Are you noticing the pattern with these mascots? They all have scarily protracted tongues. And crazy eyes. |
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEglGb2AxdobiNTmF_rQwQ2gYLz0OVhdFEIgK0x6bBX75yvHlc6uIm19A77otb_PSYEgJWVuiPPQkMSZ1rtkh7Kp5wOPLQi9BrxpDFn7DRPAnh6cgmuvi_np-3xZQdZfNhLP8l7AMtn-a9IV/s640/IMG_3356.jpg) |
Safeway's version of Froot Loops employs an amphibian instead of Toucan Sam. Well, at least the absurdly elongated tongue makes sense on a frog. |
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGfW0Hw9v9pwFd2Jt1iHOkWGPPqKFcmk1jEmZUcMrEJVswGNSCnR7vUnTruCGQL3bObBJyyjI3Yp8qSPb9k9M1rw3TufyyG9LlAQGY1ID10BSwVirzR8eP3PEpCwtR7LCR5LTMjorq2mEG/s640/IMG_3357.jpg) |
It took me a while to figure out what Crackles was the generic for — it's Cap'n Crunch. Once you understand that, the Crackles mascot makes sense; as a sea creature, he's even more nautical than Horatio Magellan Crunch. But he's not just an octopus — he's a pirate octopus! (which I suppose makes the proposition of "walking the plank" far less treacherous) |
![](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRByOgLC_mCw8j2xOvutFobyROCk1l9QnsVaV81rvozZCuvptXDB6lGeG4wiUdp9cqlQt7iUxVDDdVAHO9TNJcF7v7DP8IMqIClR6GL71cm8J4EX0XcGLCHK1OTD1VT2063sODUnRm_DEp/s640/IMG_3355.jpg) |
The rabbit mascot of Marshmallow Magic (literally the poor man's Lucky Charms) is the most unnerving. His tongue is thankfully not as tumescent, but I haven't seen such haunting eyes since the final frame of Roman Polanski's Repulsion. |
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