ARM & HAMMERED

Last month I entered a contest sponsored by Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. As part of the contest, entrants had to submit a "baking soda tip" which would be judged by a panel.

Here are a few of my "tips."

SCREW YOU, "SEINFELD" AND "M*A*S*H" AND "MAD MEN"

The New York Times just reviewed the show I'm working on, Killer Karaoke.

The reviewer called it "the greatest show in television history."

As my friend Jerry Mahoney said, "This is a new high for you and/or a new low for print journalism."

INFESTED WATERS

So it turns out I just had dry skin, but while looking it up on WebMD, I found another entertaining symptom:

What condition wouldn't be made worse 
by swimming in infested waters?

DISH: PART 2

MasterChef has some of the most enticing ingredients on the planet.

...and then there's this thing.

We told the contestants that the sea urchins were deadly dangerous.
They'll believe pretty much anything we tell them.

Gordon's buddy David Beckham showed up one day.

Me 'n' Graham

Guy Savoy catches on to my surreptitious photo-taking.

The MasterChef wrap party

DISH: PART 1

Now that Season 3 of MasterChef has come to a close, it's time for a photo retrospective.

The set and lighting designers on this show are geniuses. 
You would never know that the Audition Episodes 
are filmed in a warehouse in Lynwood, California. 

And those produce crates are filled with tile. 

"I ain't no bum, Mick! I ain't no bum!"

I know there's a spatula around here somewhere...

The first Team Challenge: cooking at Camp Pendleton.

This is the Sikorsky CH-53E Super Stallion, the U.S. military's biggest helicopter. 

It blew our crew off its feet (and nearly toppled the jib camera).

Someone tell the talent that this is gonna be louder than the limo they're used to.

Even though I'm Hollywood scum, the colonel was very nice to me. 

We got million-dollar props and hundreds of extremely overqualified extras thanks to you, the U.S. taxpayer!

ADD A "VAN"

I'm working on a new bit.

The premise of it is taking one word from a song title and replacing it with the word "van."





The Beatles:
"Got To Get You Into My Van"

Billy Ocean:
"Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Van"

Cutting Crew:
"I Just Died In Your Van Tonight"

Peabo Bryson:
"If Ever You're In My Van Again"

Sergio Mendez:

"I'm Never Gonna Let You Go, I'm Gonna Hold You In My Van Forever"

THE GREAT DEPRESSION

My favorite part about the animated Abilify commercials is when Depression fills out the medical forms.

I wonder who Depression's "In Case Of Emergency" is.

GIRAFFES AT THE SAN DIEGO ZOO SAFARI PARK

The talking giraffes are cool, but terribly profane.

NOT THIS iPAD, THAT iPAD

At the Apple Store, there used to be signs next to each product with helpful details about the item. Nowadays, instead of signs, Apple has iPads next to each product; the iPads have all the pertinent product information.

But that means at the iPad display, next to each iPad is another iPad explaining what the first iPad does.

Bottom: the iPad
Top: the iPad that explains what the bottom iPad does

SEA WORLD SAN DIEGO

I like how the trainer puts her hands up in the air "ta-da" style
as if she's propelling the 2,000-pound orca into the air herself.

This is the most perfectly-timed photograph I've ever taken.
(This is the least perfectly-timed one.)

Be adorable... be very adorable.

Sharks are the evil murderers of the sea, but everyone's safe
as long as they don't find an exit out of the tank.
Uh-oh.

RHINO RECORDS

San Diego Zoo Safari Park

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD: PART 4

Some people collect baseball cards or stamps. I collect photos of sad, angry or otherwise disconcerted toys.

PART ONE
PART TWO
PART THREE

Sad Panda

Boo Berry: This is your ghost on drugs.

BETTER LATE: PART 9

I got into the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. It's the ninth time I've made the list.

Here's the original BETTER LATE post (updated a few times).

TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR "Brokeback Mountain" (01/01/2006)
#4: "The Good, The Bad, and The Fabulous"

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW TV SHOWS (10/11/2008)
#7: Project Amway

TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO DIRTY PIRATE JOKES (04/25/2009)
#1: "Yo, ho."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BROADWAY SHOW IS IN TROUBLE (12/25/2010)
#6: Music by Stephen Sondheim, Lyrics by Stephen Baldwin

TOP TEN NEWT GINGRICH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS (06/28/2011)
#10: Isn't It Time For An Old, White President?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A BAD ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORK (07/05/2011)
#1: The Winklevoss Twins hardly ever sue it.

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW HOLIDAY TOYS (12/10/2011)
#1: Barbie's Foreclosed Dream House

MUSIC BAND

How do you do, fellow teens? Get this 30 Rock inspired design on a shirt or sticker at TVsauce.com

KRAFTWERK

Having a fancy dinner party? If you're looking for a classier spread than Cheez Whiz to serve to your guests, might I suggest... Veal Whiz.

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD (PART 3)

Some people collect baseball cards or stamps. I collect sad, angry or disconcerted toys.

PART ONE
PART TWO

Don't Worry, Bee Unhappy. (thanks to Laura Galloway)

They don't call them "Dog Days" for nothing.

The label says "Make someone happy,"
and what child wouldn't be elated to receive this clinically depressed cat?

A tableful of dead/narcoleptic Minnie Mouses at the Disneyland gift shop.