DELICIOUS CONTRADICTION

METALLIC-UH?

Well then what is the Titanium Series coated with?!

BUTTON

No, this is not a pictogram of Jesus' halo finger. It's a public bathroom flush button. What's weird about this flush button is that the manufacturer felt the button itself was not self-explanatory enough so they added the pictogram. And stranger still, the finger presses a button — but it's not the shape of the flush button.

BLOW YOUR TOP

The headless mannequin clenched his fists, barely containing his rage.

THE PAUSE THAT DOESN'T REFRESH

Welcome to the future... where vending machines now have software. And when that software crashes, you can't get a can of pop out of the machine.  

I tried pressing Control + Alt + Pibb on this one, but nothing happened.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 5

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 4

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 3

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 2

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

THE WINE DETECTIVE: EPISODE 1

I have no idea what this now-defunct Pasadena business actually did, but I like to imagine it as a noir detective series.

OLD SPICE

If Vasco da Gama could see how easy the whole spice thing is for us now, his head would explode.

IT'S HARD TO THINK

It IS hard to think of one… except for 
Lucy, Fonzie, Chaplin, Skywalker, Ferris, Gilligan, 
all of the Bradys and for pete's sake Sulu!

WINDOW OF OPPORTUNITY

The other day, my window disappeared. At least that's what it looked like. Got to my car — no window.

Turns out, the window regulator broke, and the glass vanished into the door. Without a working motor, the window wouldn't go back up. The price to fix it? $350-500.

Unless you do it yourself.

First I took the door panel off. (And left it in my kitchen because that's kinda funny.)

Then I removed the plastic weather seal and disconnected the wires.

Here's the shiny new regulator. I could've bought it online, but I spent a little more to get it from  Engler Bros Auto Parts in Santa Monica. The reason? If we all keep buying everything from Amazon, there won't be small businesses in a few years.

Repair time: about 2 hours. Total cost: under $100.

UNBROKEN

EVEN MY iPHONE HAS COMMITMENT ISSUES

  

WELL, THAT CHAPS MY HIDE

Not one, not two, but THREE giant tags sewn into the waistband of the Gap's tagless boxer briefs.

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

My shredder broke. It started making bad noises and stopped shredding. So I took it apart. I monkeyed with the guts, put it back together and got it working again.

About the best your hands can look after they've been in a shredder.

These are all the parts left over after I put the thing back together. Somehow it worked just fine without 9 washers, 3 screws and four black things.

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BLUE STICK

There's a school on the Westside named for President Teddy Roosevelt. But for some reason they've depicted the famous Rough Rider as a Na'vi from Avatar. I can't remember — was free unobtanium a part of the Square Deal?

A PRODUCT TO DIE FOR

No, this wasn't in a police evidence locker; I found it at my local hardware store.

DECK THE MALLS

I just saw this dress in Macy's. Are women flocking to the "Mrs. Claus look" this summer?"

DISCOUNT STALKING

Based on this sign by the exit, I think Sears is stalking me?

…OR NOT

GUATEMALAN LOVE SONG

In the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Jane Lynch's character Paula tells Andy (Steve Carell) that her former Guatemalan gardner / lover Javier once serenaded her with a "beautiful old Guatemalan love song" which went like this:

Cuando arreglan mi cuarto
No encuentro nada.
Donde va con tanta prisa?
Al partido de futbol.

For those of wondering about the English translation, it's roughly:

Whenever they clean my room
I can find nothing.
Where are you going in such a hurry?
To a soccer game.


Weird, huh? Anyway… you'd probably love the funny t-shirts and stickers at my online store: TVsauce.com

SAN FRANCISCO

Transamerica knuckle

Textbook Pizza at Tony's

Palace of Fine Arts

The least mysterious room at the Winchester Mystery House

COWBOY FESTIVAL

Cowboy S+M gear?

Western ladies. You can't see it, but the one on the left is holding a Samsung Galaxy.

Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival

NO BANKING OF BALLS

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR __________

Santa Monica's Pacific Park really knows how to make a kid feel special on his birthday.

IT'S A STEAL

Listen, Ross — if you're not cool with shoplifting, then you do not love bargains as much as I do.

MIKE AND IKE AND YIPES!

When I first saw this giant box of Mike and Ike, I thought it was a board game based on the candy.

COVER ME

This is the tag that was on my old electric blanket. I wonder if there's still a "Blanket Service Station" — and will they check my oil too?

SLOW BURN

Here's a delightful Yelp Review of Stella Barra Pizza. The reviewer is pissed that she literally burned the roof of her mouth eating some pizza. She didn't figuratively or metaphorically burn herself, mind you — she literally burned herself.

And the fact that she put hot food in her mouth before it had cooled enough to chew it "really bothered" her about the restaurant.

It's almost as if the pizza was in an oven or something.

YOU KNOW IT'S A LONG MENU WHEN...

PAPER TRAIL

At a job I had recently, the janitor stored the extra toilet paper on top of the paper towel dispenser. One day, I rearranged the rolls more entertainingly. A few days later, I found it had been rearranged again. He totally got it.

We went back and forth like this for a while. It was like having a delightful conversation with someone I never met.

I didn't take pictures of all of the configurations, but here are some of my favorites:

I'LL SEE YOU IN HEALTH

Just finished a cooking show for CBS. The premise: professional chefs transform unhealthy home recipes of normal folks into nutritious & delicious meals.

Here's a photo of our craft service table:

THE HANGOVER

I paid a visit to the Irish bar from my college days. The drink menu has undergone quite a transformation. With vodka flavors like "Birthday Cake" and "Salted Karamel," these days the place seems to cater to alcoholic babies.