Thursday, December 11, 2014

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

My shredder broke. It started making bad noises and stopped shredding. So I took it apart. I monkeyed with the guts, put it back together and got it working again.

About the best your hands can look after they've been in a shredder.

These are all the parts left over after I put the thing back together. Somehow it worked just fine without 9 washers, 3 screws and four black things.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

VERUM LUX CLUNES

The symbol for the Claremont College Consortium is three swans looking at their butts which are on fire.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

FOREVER*

In retrospect, it might not have been the best idea for Mariah Carey to put a photo of her and Nick Canon on the box of her perfume called Forever.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BLUE STICK

There's a school on the Westside named for President Teddy Roosevelt. But for some reason they've depicted the famous Rough Rider as a Na'vi from Avatar. I can't remember — was free unobtanium a part of the Square Deal?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

A PRODUCT TO DIE FOR

No, this wasn't in a police evidence locker; I found it at my local hardware store.

Monday, August 11, 2014

DECK THE MALLS

I just saw this dress in Macy's. Are women flocking to the "Mrs. Claus look" this summer?"

Friday, August 8, 2014

DISCOUNT STALKING

Based on this sign by the exit, I think Sears is stalking me?

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Monday, July 28, 2014

THE NAME GAME

Today is gonna be a great day... or my name isn't Jonthan Bouner!

Monday, July 14, 2014

I WISH

I think maybe I don't understand what Siri is supposed to do.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

CLARIFICATION

If you're wondering what's in the Munchies Bowl, there's a very unhelpful description for you.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

GUATEMALAN LOVE SONG

In the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Jane Lynch's character Paula tells Andy (Steve Carell) that her former Guatemalan gardner / lover Javier once serenaded her with a "beautiful old Guatemalan love song" which went like this:

Cuando arreglan mi cuarto
No encuentro nada.
Donde va con tanta prisa?
Al partido de futbol.

For those of wondering about the English translation, it's roughly:

Whenever they clean my room
I can find nothing.
Where are you going in such a hurry?
To a soccer game.





Do you like funny t-shirts? Take a look at my t-shirt store: TVsauce.com

Monday, June 23, 2014

SAN FRANCISCO

Transamerica knuckle

Textbook Pizza at Tony's
Palace of Fine Arts

The least mysterious room at the Winchester Mystery House

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

COWBOY FESTIVAL

Video recorders don't kill people; people kill people.

Cowboy S&M gear?

Western ladies. You can't see it, but the one on the left is holding a Samsung Galaxy.

Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival

Friday, April 25, 2014

TIME TO KILL

I called Verizon customer service the other day. I was instantly put on hold where a recording said, "Your call is important to us. Someone will be with you in a few brief moments."

It was time enough to think about that phrase: a few brief moments.

Verizon could have used the phrase "in a minute" or "in a moment" but they felt the need to be extremely specific.

"A moment" is pretty quick, so if one modifies it with "brief" they're indicating a sensationally short amount of time.

But then they modify that with "a few." A few of those terribly swift wisps of time.

So Verizon is explicitly saying they'll be with you in an amount of time that is shorter than a moment but longer than a brief moment.

I timed it. Their customer service representative picked up the phone in 4:35. Four and a half minutes — you know, a few brief moments.

Monday, April 21, 2014

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR __________

Santa Monica's Pacific Park really knows how to make a kid feel special on his birthday.

Friday, April 18, 2014

IT'S A STEAL

Listen, Ross — if you're not cool with shoplifting, then you do not love bargains as much as I do.

Monday, April 14, 2014

MIKE AND IKE AND YIPES!

When I first saw this giant box of Mike and Ike, I thought it was a board game based on the candy.

Monday, March 31, 2014

COVER ME

This is the tag that was on my old electric blanket. I wonder if there's still a "Blanket Service Station" — and will they check my oil too?

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Sunday, March 9, 2014

SLOW BURN

Here's a delightful Yelp Review of Stella Barra Pizza. The reviewer is pissed that she literally burned the roof of her mouth eating some pizza. She didn't figuratively or metaphorically burn herself, mind you — she literally burned herself.



And the fact that she put hot food in her mouth before it had cooled enough to chew it "really bothered" her about the restaurant.

It's almost as if the pizza was in an oven or something.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

LATHER, EAT, REPEAT

Amazon would like you to know that they sell many flavors of this shampoo. You know, in case you're planning a Shampoo Brunch.

Monday, February 17, 2014

DRAWING A BLANK

Anthem Blue Cross sent me a booklet with many dozens of pages attempting to explain why my premiums were being raised. The booklet contained many empty pages — some "intentionally left blank" and some... not? Either way, perhaps Anthem could cut costs by not mailing thousands of blank pages to people.

Monday, February 10, 2014

BALD-FACED LIE

I took this photo off the TV. It's from an ad for a hair restoration company. This hair pattern is not believable even by Charlie Brown standards.

Friday, February 7, 2014

PAPER TRAIL

At a job I had recently, the janitor stored the extra toilet paper on top of the paper towel dispenser. One day, I rearranged the rolls more entertainingly. A few days later, I found it had been rearranged again. He totally got it.

We went back and forth like this for a while. It was like having a delightful conversation with someone I never met.

I didn't take pictures of all of the configurations, but here are some of my favorites:




Tuesday, February 4, 2014

I'LL SEE YOU IN HEALTH

Just finished a cooking show for CBS. The premise: professional chefs transform unhealthy home recipes of normal folks into nutritious & delicious meals.

Here's a photo of our craft service table:


Monday, January 20, 2014

THE HANGOVER

I paid a visit to the Irish bar from my college days. The drink menu has undergone quite a transformation. With vodka flavors like "Birthday Cake" and "Salted Karamel," these days the place seems to cater to alcoholic babies.

Monday, January 13, 2014

LOCKED & LOADED

In order to keep ne'er-do-wells out of their storage locker, my neighbors have cleverly employed the use of a paper bag handle.

PASSING THE BAR

Stanley's Restaurant has an interesting drink special: The F. Lee Basil.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

OH, CANADA!

Jeez, Netflix, that's a pretty specific category.

Monday, January 6, 2014

SHE'S GOT LEGS?

If I could choose one word to describe a sexy female leg, undoubtedly it would be "Toothpick."

By the way, J Crew's mannequin is too skinny even for Toothpick Jeans, so the store had to pin them.