Saturday, November 21, 2009

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD

Here is compendium of photos I have taken of depressed, anxious or angry stuffed animals.

Found at a Hallmark Store, here's a Christmas turtle that seems to be suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder.




(If you don't adopt these Rescue Pets, are they put down with My First Intravenous Euthanasia Kit?)






This is the least carefree-looking unicorn I have ever seen.  And I have seen many a unicorn.


If you're looking for a murderously angry polar bear, FAO Schwartz is the place for you. 
The Mr. Bump doll has the distinction of being the only children’s toy that suffers from a traumatic head injury. 


This is a puppy dog doll. A puppy dog doll that was born with a disease whereby his skeleton is on the outside of his body.  Perhaps we should keep an eye on children who like playing with Skelanimals, the only stuffed animals with exoskeletons.
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Monday, November 16, 2009

KEN OBER

Ken Ober died this weekend. Ken was a former stand-up comic who was probably best known for hosting MTV's Remote Control.

News of his death broke the way many stories do these days — from a Facebook status update. I first read about it on Lou DiMaggio's Facebook page. Lou, a TV writer and actor (he played one of Larry David's restaurant co-owners on Curb Your Enthusiasm), was a longtime friend of Ken's (and a friend of mine since the late '90s).

About nine years ago Ken and Lou had a radio show on Comedyworld, and they would invite me to appear as a guest occasionally. They gave me the honorific of "The Smartest Man In Television." In truth, they were just trying to find a way to billboard a mediocre guest in a more exciting way than "TV writer friend of ours."

I would tell stories about working in reality TV, a genre which at the time was a novelty. It was a thrill for me, and I envied Ken and Lou — they got to hang out and make jokes for several hours a day without a TV executive giving them notes in advance of airing their comedy bits. Plus they were so damned funny.

Ken was always incredibly nice to me and had a wicked sense of humor. The long list of great people who were friends of Ken Ober's is a testament to what a outstanding guy he was.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

OFF THE WALLPAPER

I took a look at a place on Sunset a few weekends ago. I suspect the owner might have resided there for a long, long time...

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

TEETH DO NOT FIT LIKE THEY USED TO

While looking into what my sore throat might be, I found another entertaining symptom on WebMD.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

A BAD SIGN

A sign in the Men's Room at Houston's.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

GRAB A STICK OF FREEMARK ABBEY VIOGNIER 2007

I'm not a wine guy. But I had a cabernet at Wilshire recently that was worth trying to track down. I didn't find it, but a Google search directed me to a white wine from the same vintner. The "Winemakers Notes" of their 2007 Viognier were perhaps the oddest description of a wine I've ever read.
"This wine has an appealing light straw color. Aromas of Wrigley’s Juicy Fruit gum comes to mind immediately, in addition to ripe banana, grapefruit, lemon-lime, mandarin, pear, honeydew melon and white peach. There is a subtle hint of angel food cake adding to the complexity of this immensely fruity and floral wine; lively flavors of grapefruit and white peach compliment great balance. A wonderfully zesty finish leaves a fresh taste impression."
For those of you keeping score at home, the wine tastes like this.

Friday, September 4, 2009

HOME

Oh, what I wouldn't give to live here.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

STORMY WEATHER


I'm an expert on recorded rain.

In an effort to relax myself into a sweet slumber, some years ago I purchased a CD called A Day On Cape Cod: Summer Rain. I've been to Cape Cod, and this CD was authentic — the rain was indeed overpriced and didn't dare moisten a Kennedy.

But A Day On Cape Cod: Summer Rain also had a bunch of crickets. Not too loud, but they were there in the background. I couldn't relax listening to that CD — it brought back memories of bad stand-up performances.

Thus began a year-long odyssey to buy and listen to every rain CD ever made.

Most of them were awful. Some didn't mention that the rain was merely background accompaniment to some horrible New Age music.

One I fell asleep to until the rain turned into a violent thunderstorm. The first thunderclap was like a gunshot. Before I got my bearings, I was convinced the riots had finally made it to Santa Monica.

I listened to some ocean surf CDs as well (I enjoyed the irony of playing an ocean sounds CD in an apartment mere blocks from the actual ocean). Those CDs had their own problems — foghorns, the clanging of buoy bells and what sounded like rabid, angry seagulls.

I settled on two tracks, both with extremely unsettling names.

For the rain, I went with Spring Showers by Darwin Chamber and for the surf I selected Environments 1: Psychologically Ultimate Seashore. (I wonder what the Psychologically Penultimate Seashore sounds like. Or the Psychiatrically Ultimate Seashore.)

In my search, the weirdest CD I came across was one called Sounds For Sleeping. Here's the track list:

1. Air Conditioner
2. Relaxing Shower
3. Idling Dirt Bike
4. Vacuum Cleaner
5. Electric Fan

There are people who are lulled into dreamland by the sound of a vacuum cleaner?


I think Sounds For Sleeping Volume 2 should feature the soothing sounds of:
1. Angry Bees
2. Muffler Repair Shop
3. Slaughterhouse

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

SCENTS AND SENSIBILITY

What exactly is an "Unscented Deodorant"?

Monday, July 13, 2009

M-I-C... SEE YOU IN HELL


Is it me, or does this Disney kitchen timer 
look like a piano fell on and crushed Mickey Mouse?

Monday, July 6, 2009

THE KING OF BEARDS

Erin Dollar made me a beard.

Erin is a young woman from Portland who has a talent for sewing and a love of beards. She's got a blog called I Made You A Beard where she chronicles her obsession with facial fuzz, and she has a store at Etsy where she sells her delightful creations.

Using felt, thread and sometimes yarn, Erin sews beards of all types. From Santa to Lumberjack.

Best purchase I ever made.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

SAN DIEGO ZOO 2

Head to Toe

Saddest turtle in the world (and that's saying something)



Man Carrying Gorilla
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Monday, April 27, 2009

KIDS LOVE THE ELDERLY

This is a doll I saw at Target. It's called Baby Abuelita, which is Spanish for "Baby Little Grandmother."For starters, it's a grandfather not a grandmother.

But more disturbingly... a grandfather doll? What child would want to play with a doll that looks like a 80-year-old man?

Do you feed him candy Lipitor?

Monday, April 20, 2009

I LIKE NIKE

I was ordering a pair of new Nikes the other day through NikeID — Nike's website that allows you to customize your sneakers. In addition to picking colors of your shoes and laces, Nike also allows you to "ID" your shoes with your name (as long as it's eight letters or less).

While experimenting with various eight-letter words, I discovered that Nike prohibits certain words from appearing on its sneakers.

Feel free to put the Republican nominee's name on your shoes...


...but if you try to put the Democrat's name on 'em, Nike says "No, you can't!"


Nike thinks GOD is good...


...but JESUS isn't just all right with them.


You can't put HITLER on your Air Jordans...






...but they're fine if you're just a regular ol' NAZI.


And they say "da" to STALIN.


Wanna advocate for MURDER? Nike says, kill it!
I think it would pair well with this SUICIDE sneaker.
If you're more into blue collar crime, lace up the Air PERJURY!


This is my favorite of all the words banned by NIKE.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

GOING DUTCH

Foreclosed. Poor Danes — they survived the Second War of Schleswig but not the collapse of AIG.

Monday, February 23, 2009

SUMMARY JUDGMENT: PART 2

It's been awhile since we last looked at movie loglines as written by some bored employee over at TiVo. Here are a few new favorites.

Wait a minute — was that what the '60s series was about? Hippies and toxic waste?


Who can't relate?


I love this one not for the logline but for the title.

This movie is based on the book Marie Antoinette, not the person Marie Antoinette.
Do people really find "wet, juicy" butts appealing? Me, I prefer a dry butt.


I suppose they might have a unique viewpoint.

Another bizarre title. This job + "hole" porn title construct doesn't work with very many occupations, by the way. For example, "Lawyerholes" isn't very sexy.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

THE HISTRIONIC REPORTER

December 31st, the Hollywood Reporter cried that there was 
"no end in sight" to the Time Warner/Viacom dispute! (fifth story down)


24 hours later: dispute over. (fourth story down) 

Thursday, February 12, 2009

UNSAFE


According to Sentry, this was one of their most Frequently Asked Questions. 
Which begs the question: if Sentry is frequently being asked why their safes 
open with a pen... that's... well, that's not a safe.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

BACK AND TO THE LEFT

Yahoo News chose the perfect photo to accompany this article about left-handers.