Wednesday, December 28, 2011

SNICKERS LOAF

Came across this giant-sized Snickers at a Walgreens. The package says "Slice n' Share." Apparently you're supposed to serve this candy bar as if it's a meatloaf.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

ON SPRITZEN!

He sees you when you're sleeping. Also when you're peeing.

The Santa Toilet Seat Cover and Rug Set — available at Amazon.com for only $12.99.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

E.Y. Harburg was a lyricist who wrote "Paper Moon" and all the songs in the Wizard of Oz including one of the most popular songs in history, "Over The Rainbow." He's literally in the Songwriters Hall of Fame.

He also wrote a song that became the anthem of the Great Depression called "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?" It's a heart-wrenching tune, and it sums up both the sadness and anger of the period.

And apparently, some company online thought it would make a good ringtone.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

BETTER LATE: PART 8

I got into the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. It's the eighth time I've made the list and the second consecutive time an entry of mine was picked for #1.

(I actually thought my entry of "iPad Thai" was funnier than the one they chose.)


Here's the original BETTER LATE post (updated a few times).

TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR "Brokeback Mountain" (01/01/2006)
#4: "The Good, The Bad, and The Fabulous"

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW TV SHOWS (10/11/2008)
#7: Project Amway

TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO DIRTY PIRATE JOKES (04/25/2009)
#1: "Yo, ho."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BROADWAY SHOW IS IN TROUBLE (12/25/2010)
#6: Music by Stephen Sondheim, Lyrics by Stephen Baldwin

TOP TEN NEWT GINGRICH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS (06/28/2011)
#10: Isn't It Time For An Old, White President?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A BAD ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORK (07/05/2011)
#1: The Winklevoss Twins hardly ever sue it.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

PALM SPRINGS AIR MUSEUM

Planes with folding wings are much easier to store in your hall closet next to the elliptical machine.
This ain't no Mickey Mouse bomber.

Um, you got any seats farther back in Coach?
The controls for 1940s war planes were easier to understand than my 2011 TiVo remote.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

HAPPY DEPRESSION!

Awhile ago, I saw this ad online for some get-rich-quick seminar. I like how elated the instructor is... as he predicts what would be the biggest financial meltdown in the history of the world.

Friday, December 2, 2011

HIGHBROW

Found comedy at the auto parts store:

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

CLUBBY

One of the better club names — and logos — is the Los Angeles Police Revolver and Athletic Club.
Is that runner victoriously breaking the tape… or has he just been shot?

Monday, November 28, 2011

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD (PART 2)

Wow — 20,000 hits. I never knew I had that many bitter stalker ex-girlfriends. Thanks to you all!

The numbers say that one of my most popular posts was THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD, so in honor of the big 2-0, here's another installment.

I think this blue bear is distressed about her botched lip collagen procedure.

If this duck had a voice, it would be Edward G. Robinson. "Quack, see?"

Why so scared, sunflower?
Is it because you're named after a medication-free child birthing technique?

Friday, October 7, 2011

MY FAVORITE CAPTCHAS

I can't seem to find the Omega key on my keyboard.

Oy!

Part Arabic? Part "Ron Silver"?

This Captcha was brought to you by the Biography Channel.

Uh-oh. I think the Captcha folks fell off the wagon again.
To enter this Captcha, simply calculate the
Erdős Conjecture on Arithmetic Progressions. 

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

SELF ESTEEM

You can't buy self esteem... except at DSW (Designer Shoe Warehouse) where it's on sale for $29.95.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

TOO MANY NOTES

Here are some of my favorite notes that I have received from production and network executives.

In reference to a stack of game show questions:
     "These don't have a point of view."

Specifically about a Civil War question:
     "Make it more current and fun."

Addressing whether famous people's names were the answer to too many questions:
     "Barbie, you can argue, is a person." (as in the toy doll Barbie)

After being told that altering a certain question would render it inaccurate:

Sunday, September 11, 2011

WHAT'S UP, EUROPE!

While in Visalia recently, we passed by the "What's Up, Europe" Bridal Shop.


(Featuring the exclusive Helena Etchart-Tine collection — made in the USA.)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

KEEP HOPE ALIVE

Spotted in Studio City: this ribbon on an SUV.


Lots of people support the troops, but this Toyota driver wants the world to know that even in our darkest hour, she still supports her chihuahua.
.

Monday, September 5, 2011

JUST A FAD


Shirts form the Donald J. Trump Collection — on Clearance at Macy's.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

NOW PLAYING

Float like a butterfly, rope like the wind.

Friday, September 2, 2011

XENU KID ON THE BLOCK

My show business career might finally be getting somewhere...

Monday, August 22, 2011

TIVO MOVIE LOGLINES

Wow — that is not the Flipper I remember.





If I've said it once, I've said it a million times — the world of competitive marbles is fixed. By the cops.





Another eHarmony success story.











Should butts really be that wet?


Methinks a certain TiVo logline writer might have taken some Shakespeare classes in college.

.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

JUST DESSERTS

MasterChef was the first cooking show I'd ever worked on, and I learned a lot about the genre. For example, you're not supposed to eat all the Sterno.

The judges were restaurateur Joe Bastianich and renowned chefs Gordon Ramsay and Graham Elliot. What did these great culinary figures eat the most of during the filming? Sour Patch Kids. They ate bag after bag of them.

The set for the initial auditions.
The excellent set design featured scores of fake crates of produce.

The apples left over from the Apple Chop Challenge.

The MasterChef pantry was a sight to behold.
Every spice, every vegetable, every type of pasta.
After the show wraps, the crew is allowed to take home whatever they want.

By the end of the night, it looked like LA after a Laker win.

The choice for one challenge was French, British or Spanish Cuisine.
Contestants received recipe books for French and Spanish...
but we couldn't find one for English cooking.

God bless the dishwashing crew.

The Hungry Biker / Sausage Challenge

This is the fish Gordon guts in the show open.
It took an hour to film and only seconds of it were shown on screen...

but the stench was omnipresent.

The Block Party before the kids arrived
Graham entertains the crew









The only writing instruction Gordon gave me was
"Jonathan, keep the scripts short and sweet — like your cock!"

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

BETTER LATE: PART 7

Made the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. #1 this time. This is my seventh time on the list.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

PORTO'S

¡Porto's Cuban sandwich con plantain chips es muy guapa!
6/25/2011

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I AM LEGEND: DRIVING THE DESERTED 405

Here are a few shots of the empty 405 from the Sunset Blvd overpass.


Here's the 405 from the penthouse of the Hotel Angelino:


The shadow is the Hotel Angelino.

The freeway was opened up from Sunset going south, so here are some shots from the 405 itself:





It wasn't totally apparent that it was OK to get on the freeway at this point, so hardly anyone was on it. Though we did see one kid stop his car and get out. He touched the freeway with his hands, danced a jig and then quickly got back in his car and sped off.
.