Saturday, June 27, 2009

ZOO TWO

The San Diego Zoo: June 2009

Head to Toe


Darwin's Proof

The polar bear did his best Esther Williams.

Here's Angie with a giraffe...

...and here's Angie as a giraffe:

A Miami Vice extra

Giraffe yoga

A little flora with your fauna

These giraffes give "necking" a whole new meaning.



Sated, sated hippo


Some of the most entertaining images came from the gift shops:
Saddest Turtle Doll In The World
(Paxil sold separately)


Man Carrying Gorilla
(see "Darwin's proof")

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

BISCUIT HOLES

Biscuit holes?


But biscuits don't have holes!

Monday, June 22, 2009

METAMORPHOSIS

A few Saturdays ago, I visited the Santa Barbara Museum of Natural History's Butterflies Alive! exhibit.
(me appreciating nature)

Two years ago, I took some of the best photos of my life there.
(a Monarch, 2007)

This year the pictures were nearly as spectacular...
(a Monarch, 2009)

(an Orange Longwing?)

(a Speckled Wood Butterfly?)

(a Zebra Longtail)

...and the addition of some good company made the day a real joy.
(look out for the Zebras above your head!)

It was like the difference between, say, a caterpillar and a butterfly.

Monday, June 15, 2009

MAUS

Is there any better way to test Thomas Wolfe's theory than going to Disneyland? You remember it as magical; you grow up and see that it's mostly plywood and glow paint.

Here we are on Space Mountain. I find it odd that Disneyland Photoshops the image so that the background is totally different from what's actually behind you on the ride. In fact, they've chosen to use the outside of the ride itself as the photo's background. Weird.
Disneyland is a place where teenagers first experiment with sarcasm. The Asian dudes behind us were playing the role of
"over-enthusiastic space passengers."

When you've been waiting on line for It's A Small World
and you get to the front only to have everything stop
as two uniformed officers walk into the ride......it becomes less of "a world of laughter"
and more of "a world of tears."

I tried to shoot photos inside, but inexplicably the ride was moving too fast.

The Buzz Lightyear Astro Blasters ride/shooting gallery
is the most underrated attraction in the park.
Jen thought she could beat me, but she didn't count on one thing: I am a ruthless cheater.

PRICELESS

I got a new Visa recently. The card came in the mail with a form — turns out it's an "Photo Expressions Visa." They encouraged me to send them a picture, and they'd put it on the credit card.

I thought on it awhile, and finally came up with an image that I'd get a kick out of having on my Visa.


I sent it in yesterday. If it gets rejected by the bank, naturally I'll assume it's a conspiracy.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

ROBOTS ARE EVIL

My friend Jason was kind enough to take me to a screening of a movie last week: Terminator Salvation.
I'm not sure if I liked it or not.
I feel the same way about Terminator films as I do about James Bond movies — I can't tell the difference between a good one and a bad one.

One thing I do know is,
the Terminators in this
newest installment
go heavy on the Crest Whitestrips.

When I got home, Angie asked me to describe the plot to her. What follows is our conversation
in which she swiftly and inadvertently reveals the flaw
in the entire Terminator series:

Angie: So what happens in the movie?
Me: Humans fight robots.
Angie: Why?
Me: Because the robots became "aware" and started to kill all the humans.
Angie: But why do the robots want to kill all the humans?
Me: Because they became "aware."
Angie: Yeah, but why did they start killing the humans once they became "aware"? I mean, why didn't they become "aware" and then not kill all the humans?

(long pause)

Me: Um... robots are evil?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

BACK AT THE PARKER

Life is full of odd coincidences. I only recently wrote of my 1998 stay at Le Parker Meridien in Manahattan. On May 31, I returned — this time as part of a meeting with my Think Tank counterparts in the UK.

My only recollection of Le Parker Meridien back then was the view of Central Park from my room. It was stunning, and I immediately started phoning girls I used to know, trying to find someone who'd be impressed by the room. Turns out everyone had long moved from New York.

This time I've been most struck by how dark the hotel is. It's very dimly lit at night, and the wallpaper is a sort of chocolate brown with a black velvet design. It reminds me of The Haunted Mansion at Disneyland.

Each elevator has a flat-screen TV that plays old cartoons on a loop. I think it's supposed to be ironic or something

The room itself leaves much to be desired. Here's the shower head:

Disgusting, right? As it happens, ever since I worked on the first season of Dirty Jobs, I travel with my own shower head (and vice grips and Teflon tape). At the end of a day shooting Dirty Jobs, I was usually covered with substances that should not be seen in daylight (I have smelled things no man should smell), and I required a vigorous stream of water to wash away the horror. So I disabled the low-flow element on a Speakman shower head and started packing that in my suitcase. It came in handy at Le Parker Meridien.

The bathroom sink isn't filthy, but it is very poorly designed.


The spigot doesn't extend far enough over the basin, so my choices are
a) turn on the water full blast
b) end up with water all over the counter.

Hotels really screw you on the refrigerator these days. There's one in every room, but God forbid you try to store your leftovers in it.


Note to Le Parker Meridien: "Fridge" is not a word.

No room whatsoever inside to store your own beverage. Or medication. 

[And the motion sensors are so sensitive that merely opening the refrigerator door to take this photo tripped it. Upon checkout, they tried to charge me $9 for vodka I never drank.]


$4.25 for M&Ms? And I thought you only got mugged on the subway...


Five bucks for a Coke? Six dollars for water? Where am I, Yankee Stadium?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

NO JOKE

One of my mother's favorite restaurants is King's Fish House. It's a good seafood place.

When you order a drink, they bring it to you with a bar napkin. Each paper napkin has a different nautical cartoon/joke on it. They're never funny, but the one I got last time was egregiously bad. 

First, it's not even a joke. Not remotely so. 

Second, the answer (upside-down at the bottom) is also written on the blackboard — thus giving away the punchline. 

Which is not a punchline. 
Because it's not a joke.

Is the person who made this on drugs? Is he insane?

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

BETTER LATE

In 1998, I submitted for the Late Show with David Letterman. My comedy packet caught the eye of an executive at Worldwide Pants named Kate Adler. She invited me to CBS for a meeting — it remains the best meeting of my career. Adler was supportive, knowledgeable and funny. 

Adler sent my submission to the head writer of the Late Show, Tim Long. He liked my stuff enough to want to do a phone interview. We spoke for a while, and he finished the call by saying "Your submission is really funny — all you'll have to do is meet [executive producer] Rob Burnett and you're probably good to go." It looked like my lifelong dream of writing for David Letterman would be coming true.

Then Tim Long quit the Late Show.

I believe Long went to The Simpsons. A great career move for him, but it had a butterfly effect on mine.

For a while, I ended up in limbo. At some point, Adler from Worldwide Pants called and assured me that I'd be hearing from them again.

Months went by, and I didn't hear from anyone. It took so long, I forgot about the whole thing, drowning my sorrow in question writing for Win Ben Stein's Money. But I finally got the call — the Late Show's new head writer would like to interview me. In person. Shortly after, I received a plane ticket in the mail. I flew out to Manhattan where the show had booked me a room at Le Parker Meridien. With a view of Central Park.

The interview with the new head writer was the polar opposite of my meeting with Kate Adler. To say it went poorly is an understatement. I won't go into the details, but it wasn't really my fault. For years I considered calling Adler and letting her know what happened, but it seemed politically imprudent. It was over. The brass ring had slipped away.

Years later when I read that the head writer with whom I'd interviewed left the show, I called my then-agent at William Morris. "The people at Worldwide Pants liked me, Tim Long liked me... the only one who didn't like me is the guy who isn't there any more. Can I get another interview?" I asked him. My agent responded by saying, "I don't really know anyone over at the Late Show." I blinked a few times and responded, "You should get an agent. I hear they're helpful at opening doors."

I'm not bitter that I missed my shot at writing for Dave. I think about it this way: When I was 12 or so and living in Parsippany, New Jersey, I used to wait until my parents went to sleep and then sneak downstairs into the living room to watch Late Night with David Letterman. I'd turn the volume way down so my parents wouldn't hear the TV. Consequently, in order to hear the jokes, I'd have to sit with my face right up against the television. Years of watching Late Night centimeters away from the TV has probably made me sterile.

So the idea that someday I'd actually have a legitimate shot at that dream job is astounding. To be invited in to the upstairs offices of the Ed Sullivan Theater is enough.

Well, maybe almost enough.

I still enter the Late Show's online Top Ten Contest from time to time. It's sort of like scratching my phantom comedy limb. Prior to this week, I'd made it on the list three times.

• I forget the first one.
• Top Ten Rejected Titles For "Brokeback Mountain." (#4)
• Top Ten Least Popular TV Shows (#7)

My rewards for winning were a Late Show cap, a Late Show t-shirt and a Late Show mousepad.


This week I won a fourth time. For this most recent one, I was lucky enough to be picked for #1.

The list was Top Ten Punchlines to Dirty Pirate Jokes.


I wish I were being offered The Job instead of another t-shirt. But I'll settle for knowing that I can still make the list.

Monday, April 27, 2009

KIDS LOVE THE ELDERLY

This is a doll I saw at Target. It's called Baby Abuelita, which is Spanish for "Baby Little Grandmother."For starters, it's a grandfather not a grandmother.

But more disturbingly... a grandfather doll? What child would want to play with a doll that looks like a 80-year-old man?

Do you feed him candy Lipitor?