SOMETHING NEW

Um, I think this is the Child Bridal section of Macy's.

PUTTING IT TOGETHER

My shredder broke. It started making bad noises and stopped shredding. So I took it apart. I monkeyed with the guts, put it back together and got it working again.

About the best your hands can look after they've been in a shredder.

These are all the parts left over after I put the thing back together. Somehow it worked just fine without 9 washers, 3 screws and four black things.

TUT FOR TAT

This is a game at the Dave & Busters in Hollywood. Since the Pharoah of Exodus was subjected to locusts, lice and boils... and he was hoping to drown all the Jews in the Red Sea... I can only imagine what his "revenge" would be.

VERUM LUX CLUNES

The symbol for the Claremont College Consortium is three swans looking at their butts which are on fire.

FOREVER*

In retrospect, it might not have been the best idea for Mariah Carey to put a photo of her and Nick Canon on the box of her perfume called Forever.

DECONSTRUCITED

The police may get you... but the Grammar Police never will.

SAN FRANCISCO, JUNE 2014

Transamerica knuckle

Things are looking up.

The other bridge

First Michelin star: Boulevard

Slightly more casual fare

[SPQR OCTOPUS PHOTO WILL GO HERE]

Meet Coit

[ANGIE'S COIT TOWER PHOTO WILL GO HERE]

Palace of Fine Arts

[RACCOON SIGN PHOTO WILL GO HERE]

And that's why they call it "The Windy City"!

The least mysterious room at the Winchester Mystery House

SPEAK SOFTLY AND CARRY A BLUE STICK

There's a school on the Westside named for President Teddy Roosevelt. But for some reason they've depicted the famous Rough Rider as a Na'vi from Avatar. I can't remember — was free unobtanium a part of the Square Deal?

A REAL CUT-UP

So there was a meeting at the ad agency, and they decided that the best way to sell Cuisinarts was to make a joke about the sign every homeless person carries?

A PRODUCT TO DIE FOR

No, this wasn't in a police evidence locker; I found it at my local hardware store.

DECK THE MALLS

I just saw this dress in Macy's. Are women flocking to the "Mrs. Claus look" this summer?"

DISCOUNT STALKING

Based on this sign by the exit, I think Sears is stalking me?

WHEN JEWISH UPON A STAR

Well, this is gonna be a short book.

THE NAME GAME

Today is gonna be a great day... or my name isn't Jonthan Bouner!

…OR NOT

I WISH

I think maybe I don't understand what Siri is supposed to do.

DRIVE

No wonder everyone in LA texts while driving — it's not like anyone's getting anywhere.

CLARIFICATION

If you're wondering what's in the Munchies Bowl, there's a very unhelpful description for you.

GUATEMALAN LOVE SONG

In the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Jane Lynch's character Paula tells Andy (Steve Carell) that her former Guatemalan gardner / lover Javier once serenaded her with a "beautiful old Guatemalan love song" which went like this:

Cuando arreglan mi cuarto
No encuentro nada.
Donde va con tanta prisa?
Al partido de futbol.

For those of wondering about the English translation, it's roughly:

Whenever they clean my room
I can find nothing.
Where are you going in such a hurry?
To a soccer game.


—————————

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"I'm very discreet... but I'll haunt your dreams."

PIER PRESSURE

SANTA MONICA PIER

Capturing Jason on my old Cannon

Foos For Thought

I don't know what goes on with this carnival game, and I don't want to know.

What comes around...

...goes around.

COWBOY FESTIVAL

Video recorders don't kill people; people kill people.

Cowboy S&M gear?

Western ladies. You can't see it, but the one on the left is holding a Samsung Galaxy.

Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival

NO BANKING OF BALLS

TIME TO KILL

I called Verizon customer service the other day. I was instantly put on hold where a recording said, "Your call is important to us. Someone will be with you in a few brief moments."

It was time enough to think about that phrase: a few brief moments.

Verizon could have used the phrase "in a minute" or "in a moment" but they felt the need to be extremely specific.

"A moment" is pretty quick, so if one modifies it with "brief" they're indicating a sensationally short amount of time.

But then they modify that with "a few." A few of those terribly swift wisps of time.

So Verizon is explicitly saying they'll be with you in an amount of time that is shorter than a moment but longer than a brief moment.

I timed it. Their customer service representative picked up the phone in 4:35. Four and a half minutes — you know, a few brief moments.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR __________

Santa Monica's Pacific Park really knows how to make a kid feel special on his birthday.

IT'S A STEAL

Listen, Ross — if you're not cool with shoplifting, then you do not love bargains as much as I do.

MIKE AND IKE AND YIPES!

When I first saw this giant box of Mike and Ike, I thought it was a board game based on the candy.

DISNEY HALL, APRIL 2014

Impressive, but do you have curly fries?