THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART

When my mother leaves the house, her dog runs to a 
serendipitously-placed window and stands there, staring and crying.

We should all be so lucky to have someone who cares that much about us.

SHELL SHOCK

What do you dip fried egg egg chips in, bacon dip?

DUMPLING DAY

Our li'l dumplings

Rainbow Dumplings 
(made with natural rainbow flavor)

ALL THE RAGE

By day, it's a Public Storage. By night...

HAVE YOU NO SENSE OF DECENCY...?

…No? Great — then move ahead 2 spaces!

WHAT'S PLAN B?

To be honest, I'm not in good enough shape to plan for either of these.

DEAD ANTS DEAD ANTS

The first thousand ant bites will knock you back a bit, 
but it's those last 50 or so that really do you in.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

HOW DOMAINING

Cash-strapped because of the government shutdown, Ted Cruz is forced to sell his website.

COKE IS (not) IT

You can customize your Coca-Cola bottle with any name… well, almost any.

UNDER… WHERE?

What… is this a picture of?

UNBEARABLE

It's always fun to see people complain about something being hacky by making the hackiest joke possible about it:

CITIUS, ALTIUS, CONSUMPTA

Look — I won the silver and bronze in food storage!

NEGATIVE SPACE

I can't figure out if this is good news or bad news what with the triple negatives.

STUMPTOWN

SPARKLING CLEAN

After LUSH sells you bath shit loaded with glitter, 
do they then sell you some bath shit that gets rid of it?

Add caption

CHEAP HOES

Cheap hoes

YELLOW CARD

I saw this thing at a vintage/antiques store. What is it?

Seriously, what in the world is it?

SUPER BAD BOYFRIEND

In the 1978 Superman movie, Superman let the love of his life get buried alive because of a promise he made to his mortal enemy's secretary.

REVIEW: OW, MY NUTS

PLEASE DON'T SQUEEZE

Is this what a McCafe is?

HOLD IT

This is the only seat at the LA Memorial Coliseum that has a cup holder.

(if you think this is funny, maybe you'd love the t-shirts at TVsauce.com)

ROGUE DUMPLINGS

Y'all come out and see my band, The Rogue Dumplings.

THE BRONX BOMB

CVS: PRODUCT VS RECEIPT

Press Play.

(and if you enjoy this, maybe you'd like the t-shirts at TVsauce.com)

THERE'S AN APP FOR WHAT?

See what's in your mailbox at any time BY OPENING YOUR MAILBOX.

#IRONY

#irony

TOP DOG

Instead of sitting on the couch, our crazy dog likes to sit on top of it.

Snoopy sleeps on his doghouse, and this pup sleeps on the back of a couch.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

A candy store next to a Jenny Craig in Round Rock, Texas

TRICK

Continuing my annual Halloween tradition: taping an empty bag of candy to my door with a sign that reads "Take One Please."

RERUNS

HORSESHIT

The Kentucky Derby is the hackiest two minutes in jokes.

UNFOLLOW

I have no interest in purchasing Twitter followers... but if I did, I'd be unlikely to buy them through someone with 34 Twitter followers.

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS

Awhile back I was a writer on a cooking competition show. I wrote this line for the host:

"They say everything’s bigger in Texas, and this chili is no exception. It’s got 684 calories per serving – but the biggest problem is that half of them are from fat!"

A studio executive on the show gave the following note:
"Might not go over big with our Texas stations… omit Texas negative."

NO WAY OUT

Los Angeles is the greatest (unlivable) city in the world!

WITH ROD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE

This painting is entitled "Don't Poke Jesus With A Stick."

Nice hat.

RATED R

Jeez — this tape is so graphic!