QUITTER

Captain Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger announced his retirement this week.

Sheesh, that guy can't finish anything.

SAFE SEAT = BAD SENATOR

Recently Senator John McCain introduced legislation that would force the corrupt dietary supplement industry to be regulated by the FDA (S. 3002).

I wrote my two Senators to instruct them to vote in favor of this bill. Today I got responses from the gals. The email from Dianne Feinstein helps to illustrate why Congressional approval ratings are so low. It ends:

Although I am not a member of this Committee, please be assured that I have noted your opposition to this bill and will be sure to keep your comments in mind should it come before the full Senate.

I hit Reply and wrote

"Apparently you didn't read my email very closely; I am in favor of this bill, not opposed to it. Your staff sent me the wrong boilerplate email response."

To that I received this:

Delivery to the following recipient failed permanently: senator@feinstein.senate.gov

Technical details of permanent failure:

Google tried to deliver your message, but it was rejected by the recipient domain. We recommend contacting the other email provider for further information about the cause of this error. The error that the other server returned was: 550 550 5.1.1 ... User unknown (state 14).

I have wanted to unseat Feinstein ever since she declared herself the "main Democratic sponsor" of a Constitutional Amendment prohibiting flag desecration. Such an Amendment obviously would be in conflict with the First Amendment. Like most citizens, I get irate when I see highly-paid legislators wasting time on quixotic bullshit.

Feinstein should have spent less time on her superficial flag speech and more time on considering her vote to send our military into Iraq. She ultimately decided to give George Bush, Jr. a blank check; as a result, the blood of over 4,000 soldiers are on her hands.

Unfortunately, as a Democratic Senator from the state of California, Feinstein's seat couldn't be safer. And it's that safety that affords her the ability to be so careless about the views of her constituents. With nothing to lose, she doesn't even bother to read whether they're for or against legislation that will come before her in the future.

THE NEW SLIM JIM

REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL FOUNDATION & LIBRARY (PART 3)

The Ronald Reagan Presidential Library is a very patriotic place.

Here's me loving America...

...and here's Angie trusting-but-verifying an unshaven Communist mannequin.

But it's a strange place as well, historically speaking. This was the only prominent photo of Vice President Bush I could find. In Reagan Libraryland, it's like the dude never existed.

There were more photos of Reagan with Brian Mulroney than George Bush, for Chrissakes!

There's no mention of first wife Jane Wyman whatsoever. More surprisingly, there are no photos of any of Reagan's children — and he had five of them. If you knew nothing of #40, you'd come away from his library thinking that he was married only once (to Nancy) and died childless. Weird, right?

In any event, if you take a slightly out-of-focus picture while standing next to one of the Citizen Kane-sized photos...

...you can make it look like you're hanging out with the Prez.

In addition to photos and artifacts (gifts from foreign leaders, a missile, Nancy's dresses) the Reagan Library houses several Presidential vehicles. Below is me doing my best just-resigned Nixon farewell in front of the Marine One helicopter.

The crown jewel in the Reagan Library collection is a decommissioned Air Force One.

Photos inside the aircraft are strictly prohibited, though you're not missing much. The interior of the plane is totally unremarkable; it looks like your basic Boeing 707. There are many suit jackets thrown over seats, however (to add to the authenticity, I suppose).

The only "person" on board is a mannequin dressed in a military uniform. His plastic wrist is handcuffed to a suitcase — the "nuclear football."

Completely unprovoked, a docent told a toddler that the mannequin was carrying the nuclear launch codes for the President. The child had not requested the information and seemed confused by the oblique explanation of the Air Force golem's purpose.

Overall, a good time was had by all at the Reagan Library.

"Gipper? I hardly know 'er!"

REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL FOUNDATION & LIBRARY (PART 2)

Before we traveled to the library, I looked up Simi Valley on the internet to see if there were any other places of note to visit while at the library. According to the Simi Valley Tourism Bureau, other notable Simi Valley-adjacent places include...

• Hollywood (about 35 miles away)
• Disneyland (about 75 miles away)
• the San Diego Zoo (well over 160 miles away)

Today's installment of our trip will focus on the outer grounds of the library.

Lawn... Of... Fortune!

The Reagan Library is a natural habitat for rattlesnakes.
(Hm... is Lee Atwater buried here too?)

The President is buried in this mausoleum. 

There are cameras trained on the grave 24 hours a day which makes me wonder — do they expect Zombie Reagan to make a break for it one day?

Here's a slice of the Berlin Wall. Unfortunately it looks like some taggers got to it.

Also outside is the Peace Plaza...

...where an U.S. Navy F-14 Tomcat sits... peacefully.

REAGAN PRESIDENTIAL FOUNDATION & LIBRARY (PART 1)

The first thing you see when you walk into the Ronald Reagan Presidential Foundation & Library are the Purell dispensers. Much like Reagan, it's inexplicable. Sanitize your hands all you want; you are prohibited from touching anything in the place anyway.

Most of the docents looked about 16-years-old (likely nearby Simi Valley High School students) and weren't particularly knowledgeable. I was convinced I could stump them with "Where are President Reagan's wooden teeth displayed?"

The docent working the Oval Office facsimile was an exception. He was full of good information. He was, at it happens, British.

Visitors are not allowed to walk through the fake Oval Office, nor are they allowed to sit on the furniture or touch anything. This was also confounding — nothing in the set is an actual antique, nothing has any real or historical value. Yet visitors are not allowed to be hands-on with all the replicas.

Are we supposed to eat all that Purell?

Anyway, the British docent recounted one of my favorite pieces of White House trivia: the story of the Resolute Desk.

The desk was a gift from Queen Victoria and has been used by many Presidents since. Perhaps the most famous photo of the desk is this one below:

You can read about the story of the Resolute Desk here (and you can purchase one from a Canadian company for $7,000-14,000 here), but the broad strokes go like this.

In 1845 Sir John Franklin set sail from Britain to find the Northwest Passage to Asia. He disappeared, and a rescue mission was launched in 1852 on the HMS Resolute. The Resolute got stuck in the ice and was abandoned. It later turned up, and the Queen decreed that timber from the ship be used to build the desk which was presented as a gift to President Rutherford B. Hayes.

In other words, it is traditional for our President to sit behind a desk made out of a shipwreck.

UNFORTUNATE NEW PRODUCTS

I'm no marketing genius, but I think Johnson & Johnson's foray into adult hair care products was ill-advised.

HOT DOG!

Naturally I told my high school reunion committee that I'd become a champion in the field of professional eating.

Thanks to Angie for the ribbon and the photo; thanks to Adobe Photoshop for the fake gold lettering on the ribbon.
 

PEACE ON EARTH

12 WOOKIES WOOKING

Christmastime is here, and the folks at Etsy — the website where ordinary people sell their handmade arts & crafts — have got plenty of gifts for the Star Wars fan in your life.

You'll always have a good hair day with this Princess Leia Hair Hat.

The Stormtrooper Pin Cushion.  Finally — a gift for all those Gungan-loving seamstresses!

Just because you've crossed over to the Dark Side doesn't mean you literally have to have blood on your hands. Clean up with Darth Vader Soap.

Are you an art lover? Well, are you?

Then you'll enjoy this painting of a Boston Terrier as a Jedi in training.

Two words: Stormtrooper Mouse.

And this one's called Lightsaber Toy For Your Cat, but I suspect everything about that description is euphemistic.