WHEN JEWISH UPON A STAR

Well, this is gonna be a short book.

…OR NOT

WAKE ME UP BEFORE YOU LOGO

Last year, the Santa Monica-Malibu Unified School District decided to have a competiton to replace their old logo:

It's a pretty terrible logo — although in fairness, it makes an attempt at cleverness with the use of the letter S as green hills and the letter M as ocean waves. (Or maybe seagulls?)

The district wanted a new logo that embodied the district's mission statement "Extraordinary achievement for all students while simultaneously closing the achievement gap.”

 Additionally, the new logo must "exemplify the district's core values," namely:

• Diversity 
• Arts and academics 
• Whole child: each child deserves to be healthy, safe, engaged, supported, and challenged 
• Community, collaboration, forward thinking, and engagement

Here is the winning logo design:

It just screams those core values, doesn't it?

I WISH

I think maybe I don't understand what Siri is supposed to do.

DRIVE

No wonder everyone in LA texts while driving — it's not like anyone's getting anywhere.

CLARIFICATION

If you're wondering what's in the Munchies Bowl, there's a very unhelpful description for you.

GUATEMALAN LOVE SONG

In the movie The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Jane Lynch's character Paula tells Andy (Steve Carell) that her former Guatemalan gardner / lover Javier once serenaded her with a "beautiful old Guatemalan love song" which went like this:

Cuando arreglan mi cuarto
No encuentro nada.
Donde va con tanta prisa?
Al partido de futbol.

For those of wondering about the English translation, it's roughly:

Whenever they clean my room
I can find nothing.
Where are you going in such a hurry?
To a soccer game.

PIER PRESSURE

SANTA MONICA PIER

Capturing Jason on my old Cannon

Foos For Thought

I don't know what goes on with this carnival game, and I don't want to know.

What comes around...

...goes around.

COWBOY FESTIVAL

Video recorders don't kill people; people kill people.

Cowboy S&M gear?

Western ladies. You can't see it, but the one on the left is holding a Samsung Galaxy.

Fighting on arrival, fighting for survival

NO BANKING OF BALLS

TIME TO KILL

I called Verizon customer service the other day. I was instantly put on hold where a recording said, "Your call is important to us. Someone will be with you in a few brief moments."

It was time enough to think about that phrase: a few brief moments.

Verizon could have used the phrase "in a minute" or "in a moment" but they felt the need to be extremely specific.

"A moment" is pretty quick, so if one modifies it with "brief" they're indicating a sensationally short amount of time.

But then they modify that with "a few." A few of those terribly swift wisps of time.

So Verizon is explicitly saying they'll be with you in an amount of time that is shorter than a moment but longer than a brief moment.

I timed it. Their customer service representative picked up the phone in 4:35. Four and a half minutes — you know, a few brief moments.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DEAR __________

Santa Monica's Pacific Park really knows how to make a kid feel special on his birthday.

IT'S A STEAL

Listen, Ross — if you're not cool with shoplifting, then you do not love bargains as much as I do.

MIKE AND IKE AND YIPES!

When I first saw this giant box of Mike and Ike, I thought it was a board game based on the candy.

COVER ME

This is the tag that was on my old electric blanket. I wonder if there's still a "Blanket Service Station" — and will they check my oil too?

YAKETY DAX

SPAM I AM

From my email's Spam Folder. 
Oddly, I'm more interested in the second one.

SLOW BURN

Here's a delightful Yelp Review of Stella Barra Pizza. The reviewer is pissed that she literally burned the roof of her mouth eating some pizza. She didn't figuratively or metaphorically burn herself, mind you — she literally burned herself.

And the fact that she put hot food in her mouth before it had cooled enough to chew it "really bothered" her about the restaurant.

It's almost as if the pizza was in an oven or something.

CAULK OF THE WALK

So I was re-grouting and re-caulking my shower when my caulking gun broke. What to do?

It's MacGyver time.

I slit open the tube of caulk and fed it into a plastic bag. Then I snipped a hole in one corner and squeezed out a bead of caulk into all the joints in the shower.

Completing a home improvement project — but doing it in the manner of a pastry chef — is simultaneously the most masculine and feminine thing I've ever done.

LATHER, EAT, REPEAT

Amazon would like you to know that they sell many flavors of this shampoo. You know, in case you're planning a Shampoo Brunch.

DRAWING A BLANK

Anthem Blue Cross sent me a booklet with many dozens of pages attempting to explain why my premiums were being raised. The booklet contained many empty pages — some "intentionally left blank" and some... not? Either way, perhaps Anthem could cut costs by not mailing thousands of blank pages to people.

YOU KNOW IT'S A LONG MENU WHEN...

BALD-FACED LIE

I took this photo off the TV. It's from an ad for a hair restoration company. This hair pattern is not believable even by Charlie Brown standards.

PAPER TRAIL

At a job I had recently, the janitor stored the extra toilet paper on top of the paper towel dispenser. One day, I rearranged the rolls more entertainingly. A few days later, I found it had been rearranged again. He totally got it.

We went back and forth like this for a while. It was like having a delightful conversation with someone I never met.

I didn't take pictures of all of the configurations, but here are some of my favorites:

I'LL SEE YOU IN HEALTH

Just finished a cooking show for CBS. The premise: professional chefs transform unhealthy home recipes of normal folks into nutritious & delicious meals.

Here's a photo of our craft service table:

THE HANGOVER

I paid a visit to the Irish bar from my college days. The drink menu has undergone quite a transformation. With vodka flavors like "Birthday Cake" and "Salted Karamel," these days the place seems to cater to alcoholic babies.

LOCKED & LOADED

In order to keep ne'er-do-wells out of their storage locker, my neighbors have cleverly employed the use of a paper bag handle.

PASSING THE BAR

Stanley's Restaurant has an interesting drink special: The F. Lee Basil.

OH, CANADA!

Jeez, Netflix, that's a pretty specific category.

SHE'S GOT LEGS?

If I could choose one word to describe a sexy female leg, undoubtedly it would be "Toothpick."

By the way, J Crew's mannequin is too skinny even for Toothpick Jeans, so the store had to pin them.

SHOOTS AND LADDERS

What comes in the box for the Walking Dead board game… 
Dice? A spinner? A Colt Python .357 Magnum?

TO DIE FOR

For Christmas, who wouldn't want to slip into a Sudden Death Jacket?"

NOT A CREATURE WAS STIRRING…

Due to the ear placement on this Christmas ornament from Cost Plus World Market, what was supposed to be a bear looks like a "polar mouse."

PECAN'T

Pecan Pie-flavored Pringles taste like dehydrated McGriddles.

COPY THAT

Shia LaBeouf has been accused of plagiarism... but no one can say he stole his new idea for a dried meat product:

MOONRAKE

Hm... I'm not familiar with that last film in 
the SyFy Channel's James Bond marathon.

AN ARMS RACE FOR FEET

Saw these in a Nordstrom. 
Are tassels status symbols now or something? 
'Cause them's a lotta tassels.

COLORS, COLORS

When I was a little boy, I imagined — assumed, really — that in the 21st Century, automobiles would come in all the colors of the rainbow.

You'd be able to go to a car dealership, pick out your car and choose any color you could think of. And then in a week or a few days (hell, maybe a few hours!) your customized vehicle would be ready.

Well, it's 2013, and if you're interested in purchasing the new Acura ILX hybrid car, here are your choices:

BLANKET OF SNOW?

This sheet set is labeled "Weatherproof" but if there are 
meteorological conditions occurring in your bedroom, 
wet linens are probably the least of your problems. 

HOW RANDOM

I work on a game show, and prior to each tape day, we randomize the material.
The meeting for today's randomization was at 9:15.

"Siri — create an event called Randomization."