IGNORANCE IS HILARIOUS

I used to work with a very dumb girl. I gave this co-worker a standard game show contestant test, and she scored a 47%.

Her lack of knowledge never deterred her from from talking all day long.

Here is what she had to say about Native Americans and their casinos.

"Are Indian casinos still run by Indians? Like, with the hair?"

"Indians live, like, on a commune, right?"

"Indians are rich, right?"

"They don't use our electricity, do they?"

"Do Indians use the U.S. Mail?"

SPAM? YAHOO!

I used to have a Yahoo email account, but I abandoned it long ago when it got spammed to death.

I checked in today to see what mail I'd been getting there.

Here are some of the more interesting spam Subject lines:



"You Are One of The Select Few Chosen to Try The Electronic Cigarette"
Can't wait. If I smoke enough of them, do I get electronic lung cancer?

"PATTY SUE MAY HAVE RUN A CHECK ON YOU"
That bitch!

"Meet Singles with Christian Values"
Not like that prying Patty Sue.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL SHAVING????"
Not sure if this was an ad for a depilatory or just someone who thinks I have an ugly face.

"The quicker and better way to chop all your fruits and veggies!"
Well, if I stopped shaving, I could use my razor for this.

"View Pic's of Singles Over 50"
I'd be more likely to click on something that promised "Never See Pics of Singles Over 50 Ever Again!"

"Fine personalized rings for mom."
And to think that all these years I've been thoughtlessly giving my mother generic rings.

"Want to meet Asian singles the old-fashioned way?"
Old fashioned? Sure. How many sweetmeats will she cost me?

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD (PART 3)

Some people collect baseball cards or stamps. I collect sad, angry or disconcerted toys.

PART ONE
PART TWO

Don't Worry, Bee Unhappy. (thanks to Laura Galloway)

They don't call them "Dog Days" for nothing.

The label says "Make someone happy,"
and what child wouldn't be elated to receive this clinically depressed cat?

A tableful of dead/narcoleptic Minnie Mouses at the Disneyland gift shop.

SNICKERS LOAF

Came across this giant-sized Snickers at a Walgreens.

"Slice n' Share" it says on the package.

Apparently you're supposed to serve this candy bar as if it's a meatloaf.

ON SPRITZEN!

He sees you when you're sleeping. Also when you're peeing.

The Santa Toilet Seat Cover and Rug Set — available at Amazon.com for only $12.99.

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

E.Y. Harburg was a lyricist who wrote "Paper Moon" and all the songs in the Wizard of Oz including one of the most popular song in history, "Over The Rainbow." He's literally in the Songwriters Hall of Fame.

He also wrote a song that became the anthem of the Great Depression called "Brother Can You Spare A Dime?" It's a heart-wrenching tune, and it sums up both the sadness and anger of the period.

And apparently, some company online thought it would make a good ringtone.

BETTER LATE: PART 8

I got into the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. It's the eighth time I've made the list and the second consecutive time an entry of mine was picked for #1.

(I actually thought my entry of "iPad Thai" was funnier than the one they chose.)

Here's the original BETTER LATE post (updated a few times).

TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR "Brokeback Mountain" (01/01/2006)
#4: "The Good, The Bad, and The Fabulous"

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW TV SHOWS (10/11/2008)
#7: Project Amway

TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO DIRTY PIRATE JOKES (04/25/2009)
#1: "Yo, ho."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BROADWAY SHOW IS IN TROUBLE (12/25/2010)
#6: Music by Stephen Sondheim, Lyrics by Stephen Baldwin

TOP TEN NEWT GINGRICH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS (06/28/2011)
#10: Isn't It Time For An Old, White President?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A BAD ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORK (07/05/2011)
#1: The Winklevoss Twins hardly ever sue it.

PALM SPRINGS AIR MUSEUM

Planes with folding wings are much easier to store in your hall closet next to the elliptical machine.

This ain't no Mickey Mouse bomber.

Miss Angela and Miss Angela

Um, you got any seats farther back in Coach?

The controls for 1940s war planes were easier to understand than my 2011 TiVo remote.

"Goose, it's Maverick — I'm going in!"

HAPPY DEPRESSION!

Awhile ago, I saw this ad online for some get-rich-quick seminar. I like how elated the instructor is... as he predicts what would be the biggest financial meltdown in the history of the world.

HIGHBROW

Found comedy at the auto parts store: