THE CIRCLE OF MEAT

I stopped eating red meat after a trip to the Grand Canyon.

My girlfriend at the time was either a vegetarian or just opposed to red meat specifically (I can't remember which), and she had been actively lobbying me to quit the stuff for years to no avail. Things changed in the summer of 1991.


My parents had split just after 25 years of marriage (popularly known as the "silver" or "divorce" anniversary), and my mother entered a phase where she wanted to travel to all the places that my father never took her. Top on the list was Arizona and the Grand Canyon. It was the beginning of the surrogate role I'd unwittingly step into for the rest of my life.

We tried to do the trip on the cheap, and that meant eating at a lot of fast food places on the way up there. I referred to the whole venture as the "Burger King Tour 1991." We ate at every Burger King from Los Angeles to the South Rim and back.

And when I finally arrived home, my colon had made the decision for me: I will eat no more red meat forever.

(I thought my then-girlfriend would be happy about it, but not so. It wasn't enough that I gave up red meat — it was that she wanted me to do it specifically because she told me to. It had taken me two years to finally learn that everything — everything in the whole world — was about her.)

I didn't really touch beef again until the day I moved back to LA from Denver in 1996. For some reason, as soon as I hit the first In-N-Out Burger over the California state line, I pulled right in and got a Double Meat with pickles, grilled onions and ketchup.

I've eaten red meat in limited doses since, but over the last month I've had a few notable run-ins with it, starting with lamb chops at my favorite Santa Monica restaurant, Jiraffe.

Then I ate at Wilshire with Katy where I learned that she enjoys her filet prepared exactly the same way I do (cooked to a precarious point in between medium and medium well), and further learned that the chef at Wilshire did a spot-on job of cooking said filet to perfection.

And lastly, I had lamb chops yet again. This time made by chef Mom.

Ah, the Circle Of Meat.

TOMORROW

My TiVo added the movie Annie to its TiVo's Suggestions folder (how did it know I was Theater major in college?), and I watched some of it tonight. I would guess that most people have heard the song "Tomorrow" — though far fewer have ever heard it in context. Out of context, "Tomorrow" is a relentlessly positive song, almost unbearably cheerful... which is why many people despise it.

In context though, it's an entirely different matter. Annie was abandoned by her parents in 1922. As we start the show, it's 1933. Eleven-year-old Annie still refuses to hate the parents who left her at the Dickensian orphanage that is her home, singing first a heartbreaking song called "Maybe" where she imagines her parents as loving and smart (adding sweetly that "their one mistake was givin' up me").

Annie has tried to run away numerous times, and she finally succeeds only to find herself out on the streets of New York City in the depths of the Great Depression. That's where she runs into a stray dog she names Sandy, and in order to cheer him up, she sings about "Tomorrow."

To review: a child abandoned by her parents... escapes the horrible orphanage she's been imprisoned in her whole life (which is run by a cruel drunk)... and now finds herself homeless in Depression-era New York... still finds it within her to sing "The sun'll come out tomorrow, so ya gotta hang on 'til tomorrow come what may..." in order to cheer someone else up.

The context radically changes the meaning of the whole thing.

(By the way — in the end, Annie finds out (from FDR of all people) that her real parents are, in fact, dead. Take that, Cats!)

AMERICA LOVES SOCIALISM!

President Obama t-shirts now available at Diculous Designs.

I'M ONLY SLEEPING

So one day you wake up and say "I don't want this saggy old thing in my life anymore!" And that's what I did. I kicked her to the curb.

I got rid of my old mattress.

The old one wasn't actually that old - only two years - but I never had one comfortable night's sleep on it. Again, I turned to Craigslist — a nice young couple bought my old Beautyrest, and I used the dough to spring for a springless mattress, one made of Tayalay latex foam. It's as soft as a marshmallow while also being surprisingly supportive in a springy kind of way. (Also, it was half the price of my last mattress.)



What I like about it is that it's the exact opposite of "memory foam." Memory foam makes no sense to me - you sink into it, and when you roll over it's still got the crater where you were from a minute ago. On this Tayalay foam mattress, the moment I move, the foam resets. It's beautiful.



Finally - a foam with no memory. It's my Alzheimer's mattress.

RIBS, FOR HER PLEASURE

Today, Doug and I went to the LA Barbecue Festival. A handful of BBQ joints set up adjacent to the Santa Monica Pier. Ten bucks gets you in the door, and each meal was another ten. Our goal was to gorge ourselves on roasted meats. Mission accomplished.


The longest line by far was for LC's Bar-B-Que. (Heidi's Bar-B-Que would be, like, so totally mad.)


So as not to starve to death waiting in line to get a slab of ribs, our strategy was to eat at every other place first.


The brisket at Texas' Southside BBQ was pretty good, but I wasn't a fan of their famous hot links.


Shaffer vs. Jalapeño


Surprisingly, the tastiest food came from Gus's Barbecue, a place out in South Pasadena.


My first rib.


So we finally made it to the front of the line to get some of LC's ribs. The line was so long because LC's is a famous Kansas City BBQ joint. We felt the ribs were overrated. Not bad, but not terribly tender.


As you can see, Doug thoroughly enjoyed himself.


Later we had dessert at the new frozen yogurt place down the street from my apartment, Frogo. What I like most about Frogo is that they put the line over the first O to make it clear that their name is pronounced Fro-Go, not Frog-o. But then... as a logo... they use a frog.
The yogurt doesn't taste like frogs at all, though.
More like salamander.

DEATHPOOL PART 3

Two days ago, I began posting my picks for the Ted Marshall Deathpool, a contest where cynics attempt to predict which television shows will get cancelled in the upcoming Fall TV Season. Here's a link to the initial post.

All these picks were locked in August 31, 2008 - before any of the shows premiered. Which explains my #6 pick...

6. 90210 (CW)
My sense is that the people behind the new 90210 don't understand why the old 90210 was popular. The operative word is "camp." But instead of campy, the new 90210 looks crappy. Plus, they've got a black guy as a main character on the show, and that's not gonna work. Why? Well, there are only two ways to play the "black kid in Beverly Hills" plot. Either you joke around about the fact that Beverly Hills is a inherently racist city - in which case 90210 will become a poor man's Fresh Prince Of Bel Air... or you get very serious about the problem of racism in Beverly Hills - in which case... what else is on?

Generation X is not going to like the new 90210 because it won't be campy and it won't have enough Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor. And Gen Y already has a 90210 - it's called The Hills: rich kids living in a glamorous city hanging out in cool clubs and restaurants.

I wrote the above explanation for why I believed 90210 would fail this season prior to its premier - which garnered a record-high rating for a show premiering on the CW network. I still stand by my prediction that the show will fail. I believe the show's first-week ratings are an anomaly. The CW didn't offer the pilot of 90210 to critics, so the critics couldn't review it. This is a standard tactic used in the motion picture industry when the studio thinks they've got a crummy movie on their hands. They run a huge advertising blitz and keep the product from the reviewers... that way there's no bad buzz on the movie going into opening weekend. The studio hopes it can draw as many moths to the flame as possible before word gets out that the film stinks. I believe that's what the CW did with 90210. And I believe that over the next few weeks, viewers will start to flee. This had been evidenced in the second week's ratings - about a million viewers didn't tune in again.

I could be completely wrong; this could be the show that turns it all around for the CW. But my guess is that after the 2008-2009 season, not only will 90210 be gone, but either Viacom or Time Warner will pull out of the CW entirely.

7. OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS (ABC)
Opportunity Knocks is a game/reality show whose basic premise is similar to Amnesia (a terrible idea for a show executed poorly... that I worked on last year) - it's a game show that's all about you! And by you, I mean whatever person is chosen by the casting department. The show comes to your house and quizzes you about items in your home or something. Here's the problem: Who gives a crap? Just like Amnesia, no one at the network or production company ever asked the question: "If the contestant can't remember how many Michael Bolton CDs he owns... why the hell would the viewing audience care?"

Opportunity does have three things going for it. One, it's cheap to make. So even if the ratings aren't huge, it could deliver for the network on a cost basis. Second, it's on the right network - family-friendly ABC. Third, it's good counter-programming for NCIS (is that still on?) and House. Unfortunately, I think Opportunity's audience will be swallowed up by the fatties on Biggest Loser.

8. KNIGHT RIDER (NBC)
What is it with NBC and retro? The only thing that could keep Knight Rider from being put up on blocks is the fact that it's good counter-programming for young males (against Old Christine and America's Next Top Model).

NBC's Wednesday night line-up is all over the place, by the way. It starts off with Knight Rider - a male-skewing retro car program... then goes into Deal Or No Deal - a older-skewing game show... then finishes off the night with Lipstick Jungle - a female-skewing Sex And The City clone. Are they trying to lose?

9. WORST WEEK EVER (CBS)
Nothing is harder to do than to get people to watch a new sitcom - even if it's good. I don't know if Worst Week is good or not (the promo I saw didn't make me laugh), but CBS has decided to put this new sitcom at the end of its Monday Night sitcom block (Big Bang, HIMYM, 2 1/2 Men). That's a pretty solid block of TV. But at 9:30 p.m., Worst Week is up against Samantha Who. Samantha has a terrific lead-in with Dancing With The Stars, so I think the night's going to belong to ABC. (Fox is counter-programming with the male-friendly Terminator and Prison Break.)

10. GARY UNMARRIED (CBS)
Here are the strikes against Gary Unmarried.
Strike 1: It's on its second or third title (Project Gary was one of them). That never bodes well.
Strike 2: It stars Jay Mohr. I like Mohr, but half of America has never heard of him and the other half doesn't like him.
Strike 3: It's kind of the exact same show as its lead-in, The New Adventures Of Old Christine.
On a personal note, for the last two months I worked in the bungalow next to Gary Unmarried, and I never heard laughter coming out of their bungalow. Sometimes they'd work outside, and I never heard them laughing out there either. If the writers aren't even making themselves laugh... bad sign.
Oh - I forgot Strike 4 - After Alison LaPlaca made the TV Deathpool change its name, it became the Ted Marshall TV Deathpool - Ted as in sitcom killer Ted McGinley and Marshall as in sitcom killer Paula Marshall. Paula Marshall is one of the stars of Gary Unmarried, and on that basis alone I feel compelled to put Gary Unmarried on my TV Deathpool list.


THE ONE I ALMOST PUT ON THE LIST: KATH & KIM (NBC)
NBC really wants this one to work - they've given it a primo time slot between Earl and The Office. The only problem is, this is kind of a female family sitcom. That doesn't really fit with Earl, The Office and 30 Rock. Plus with Molly Shannon and Selma Blair as the stars, the show's budget must be super top-heavy with salaries. Finally, Frank Magid and Associates, the people who usually send consultants into TV stations to tell news directors how to run their shops, did tracking surveys of NBC promos during the Olympics. The Kath & Kim promos had the lowest recall factor of any show advertised. I watched a few of those promos myself, and they're not very memorable. Or funny. But... it was developed by NBC head Ben Silverpants, so no matter how bad it turns out to be, he'll keep it on.

MY BIGGEST FLIP-FLOP: THE EX LIST (CBS)
At first I thought this show looked like a total disaster. A female High Fidelity meets the Israeli occult...? Plus the network is burying it on Friday nights. Plus it's going to lose the older female demo to Supernanny and the younger female demo to a rerun of America's Next Top Model. But after seeing the promos, I started to think that if women actually got to see this show, they might like it. It looks like it might be a romantic version of My Name Is Earl... an Ally McBeal without the lawyer crap. And maybe the chicks will be tired of Supernanny and bored with the ANTM rerun and actually watch The Ex List. Plus, The Ex List seems like a good companion piece for Ghost Whisperer. Better still - maybe it'll get just enough buzz for CBS to move it to a better night. So I've gone from putting The Ex List at #2 in my Deathpool to predicting it could be the break-out hit of the 2008-2009 television season.

DEATHPOOL PART 2

Yesterday I began posting my picks for the Ted Marshall Open Television Deathpool, a contest where cynics attempt to predict which television shows will get cancelled in the upcoming Fall TV Season. Here's a link to that post. Below are the shows I believe are 2nd to 5th most likely to be cancelled this season.

2. LIFE ON MARS (ABC)
Let's say you were programming ABC's Thursday night lineup. You've got Ugly Betty followed by Grey's Anatomy. It's Girls' Night, right? So what would you put on after Grey's? Well, ABC is giving the ladies Life On Mars, a period piece cop show. Based on a British show. Which David E. Kelley was attached to... and then bailed. And then the show was completely overhauled. That photo is an actual network promotional photo for the show. Smooth move, ABC.

3. MY OWN WORST ENEMY (NBC)
One way to try to get viewers to tune in to a program is to put a star in it. But does Christian Slater count as a star? I think Slater's paycheck is this show's worst enemy. Because if this program doesn't get huge ratings right off the bat, the bean counters are going to look at the bottom line and determine that this show is too expensive because of the money they shelled out for Slater. The lead-in for this Bourne Identity rip-off is one of NBC's only hits, Heroes. Unfortunately, Heroes' viewership is down 15%. Worse for Worst is that it's up against Boston Legal and CSI: Miami. I think this Christian is gonna get thrown to the lions.

4. DO NOT DISTURB (FOX)
What a weird night Wednesday is for Fox. They begin with the police procedural hour-long drama Bones and then go into sitcoms ('Til Death and the newbie Do Not Disturb). I watched some of this show on YouTube, and this sitcom is desperately missing the "com." When you watch shows like this, you understand that Reality TV didn't kill sitcoms, sitcoms like this killed sitcoms.

5. THE MENTALIST (CBS)
This show looks to be a non-funny version of Psych. Plus it's yet another cop show for CBS. I think maybe the audience for cop shows on CBS is tapped out. One thing going for it - it's good male counter-programming for Dancing With The Stars and Biggest Loser. But it's also up against JJ Abrams' much-ballyhooed Fringe. I just don't think there's enough here to attract and keep eyeballs.

Tomorrow: the final five on my TV Deathpool for the 2008-2009 season.

DEATHPOOL PART 1

A few years back, my pope-squatting, Associated Press-slaying, partner-in-Drudge Rogers Cadenhead told me about the Alison LaPlaca Open, a TV Deathpool named after one of sitcom's greatest utility players, Alison LaPlaca. The purpose of the Deathpool was simple: pick 10 new or returning programs you believe will get cancelled in the upcoming TV season.

Last year I came tantalizingly close to winning - eight of my picks went down in flames (which is a good thing). There were obvious choices: Viva Laughlin, Cavemen and Carpoolers. And there were some risks; I chose Back To You starring Frasier's Kelsey Grammer because I felt the show wasn't particularly funny and was a terrible fit for Fox. Back To You might have had a chance on CBS, The Home For Sitcoms Starring Actors Who First Became Famous On NBC (Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Jason Alexander, Ted Danson, Bill Cosby).

I came in sixth place, losing out to among others Rob Long. Like me, Long is a TV writer. Unlike me, he wrote for a show that people actually liked: Cheers.

Last year, Rogers told me his picks after having submitted them, and I proceeded to inform him why he was destined to lose. Like many playing the TV Deathpool, Rogers had made his picks based on shows he thought were good or bad. But there's much more than that involved in the decision to cancel a TV show. Like politics, incumbents are hard to beat. Rogers and 30 others predicted the cancellation of stalwart According to Jim. But what those 31 people didn't understand was that no matter how bad or tired According To Jim may be, the set has already been built, and the actors' salaries were negotiated years ago. Many of the costs of According to Jim have been amortized over six years. Plus one more season of According To Jim in primetime translates to a huge amount of money in syndication. Factors like these help keep a cheap old show on the air and an expensive new show off.

So on to this year's TV Deathpool (which was renamed due to threatened litigation by Alison LaPlaca). This time around I gave Rogers some advice. The most important piece of advice was this: pick new shows. TV programs are like restaurants - most of them fail in the first year. Though there are plenty of existing shows I suspect will fail this season (Life, Don't Forget The Lyrics, Eli Stone, 'Til Death), there's no bonus for picking an old show (though there should be), and as a gambler, I'm always looking for an edge. New TV shows are the sucker at the poker table.

1. ER (NBC)
Having said all that, my first pick for cancellation is ER. Why ER? Simple: it was announced earlier this year that ER would not be returning. Yes, everything I said about new shows is true, but only one thing trumps good odds, and that's a sure thing.

My picks for the 2nd through 10th TV shows most likely to get cancelled in the 2008-2009 Fall Season continue tomorrow. Rogers' full list is located on his weblog.

GOV. PALIN: LINCOLN UNQUALIFIED

I’m a registered independent voter in California, and in our state’s primary election I voted for Senator John McCain. I did so because he's the most experienced Republican running for President. (I'll vote for Obama in the Fall despite the fact that his victory in my state is a forgone conclusion.)

After watching Governor Sarah Palin’s speech at the Republican Convention, I’m wondering if McCain will use his speech as a rebuttal to his own running mate.

Palin’s argument against Obama was twofold. First, she posited that Obama’s lack of Executive Branch experience made him unqualified for the job of President. Second, she railed against the Washington Establishment — the so-called career politicians. This seems like a stunning rebuke of the top of her own ticket. John S. McCain III entered politics in 1982 when Sarah Palin was a 17-year-old high school student. McCain has been in Washington for more than a quarter of a century. If that doesn't qualify someone for "Washington Insider" status, I don't know what does.

I felt McCain's experience was his greatest asset, and it's why I voted for McCain in the primary; yet it seems to be Palin’s argument for why I shouldn’t vote for McCain for President.

I decided to do a little research to see which of our 43 Presidents ran for the job having had no prior government experience as an Executive. Below is a list of Presidents were never a U.S. Vice President, a major Cabinet Secretary, governor or mayor.

John F. Kennedy
Dwight Eisenhower
(Herbert Hoover prior to becoming President had served as Secretary of Commerce)
(William Howard Taft prior to becoming President was Provisional Governor of Cuba)
Benjamin Harrison
James A. Garfield
Ulysses S. Grant
Abraham Lincoln
Franklin Pierce
Zachary Taylor
(Andrew Jackson prior to becoming President was the first Military Governor of Florida — I’m not sure if that’s more a military position or an Executive position)
George Washington prior to becoming President was our nation’s first Commander In Chief, but this was at the time a military position. Washington had Legislative experience – he was elected to the Virginia House of Burgesses and was elected president of the Constitutional Convention of 1787.

Unlike Sara Palin, I think America benefited from the service of Executive branch novices like Lincoln, Eisenhower and Kennedy.

Whomever our next President is, one thing’s for certain — he’ll be the first President in over 40 years to have had no Executive Branch experience.

GOONIE

Today I went on a picnic. That's right, a picnic! What? Come on, stop laughing!

I'd not seen my friends Ilyse & Dave in a long time, and they suggested the picnic idea. It was a nice day to be outside, and the park was a good place for their adorable five-year-old son Jack to run around and expend the kind of energy that only five-year-olds and chronic Red Bull drinkers have.

(The photos of him happen to be taken in the only two moments of the day when he burned out.)

The kid took a liking to me — I regaled him with sloppily-performed magic tricks, and in turn he diligently and thoroughly relieved me of my socks.

Jack is a great kid; he's smart and adorable, and he's at an interesting age — he's coming over the hump of Everything's About Me! and learning that sometimes he has to wait while Mommy is talking before he can speak... or wait until Daddy's taken his turn before Jack may turn over a Candyland card.

The kid has had five years on this planet where everyone else in his world catered to his every whim. If he wanted anything, he cried and got it. Other people literally wiped his ass for him. And now all of a sudden he's expected to behave just like the rest of us. Man, it sucks.

I was trying to think of an analogy, and the best I could come up with was The Coreys. For five years, Corey Feldman and Corey Haim had fans and agents and personal assistants who kissed their asses. If they wanted anything, they got it. And then one day it was all over.
So the next time you see a tot crying because he's not getting his way, realize that he's not a brat. He's just a mini Corey Haim who's wondering where all the License To Drive fans have gone.

THE RETURN OF FULL FATHOM 5

Though short a man, the Full Fathom 5 returned to trivia night barnstorming last evening with a trip to Ye Olde King's Head in Santa Monica.

Despite the horrible sound system that almost caused us to miss one round completely...
Despite the hoards of cheaters looking up answers on their iPhones...
The Five came from behind to dominate. And here is our glorious prize...

Twenty-five dollars?!
We're never going back to that shithole again!

Ye Olde King's Head - check
Springbok - check
O'Brien's - check many times over (plus set new bar record twice)

Looks like its time for FF5 to hit the road. The Valley won't know what him 'em.

VARIETY OF USES

I bought a box of Q-Tips today. And for the first time I actually looked at what's on the box. Not exactly instructions per se, but a list of the "Variety Of Uses" for Q-Tips. First of all, none of those uses are what one actually uses Q-Tips for (cleaning one's ears).

Take a look at the Variety Of Uses -

apparently one is for applying First Aid ointment to eyebrows,

the second is for cleaning your computer keyboard,

and the fourth is scrubbing your shower.

But what caught my eye was the third use - the one with the baby.

Just what exactly is that person doing with that baby and the Q-Tip? Poking its eye out?

PLEASE DON'T LOOK AT THE ART

We went to the Laguna Art Festival today. It was a lot of fun, but I can't post any photos of the artwork or the Pageant Of The Masters because at every festival there were signs all over the place declaring that photography was prohibited.

It is beyond me why artists wouldn't want people displaying their artwork on the internet to a worldwide audience. Essentially, they're saying "I'm an artist, and I want the smallest number of people to see my work."

BLACK IRISH

Show your Irish pride by putting down your Guinness and pulling the lever for O' Bama.

Then return to your fist fight.

(T-shirts available at DiculousDesigns.com)

RETURN TO FOREVER

Another last-minute concert this week. Last night, Chris had an extra seat to the reunion tour of Chick Corea's band Return To Forever. The lineup is legendary: Lenny White, Al Di Meola and Stanley Clarke. Funny how the week began with a great new, young bass player (Esperanza Spalding) and then was bookended by the greatest bass player of all time, Stanley Clarke (although his having 17 fingers does seem to give him an unfair advantage).

So what's the biggest difference between seeing any random show at the Universal Amphitheater versus going to a concert by the seminal jazz fusion band of the 1970s? Well, at intermission, the line for the men's room was 20 deep.

By contrast, here's a shot of the line for the ladies' room:

CATALINA

I was watching Letterman the other night, and I saw a unique and sublime performer named Esperanza Spalding. She's sort of a cross between Norah Jones and Corinne Bailey Rae. This morning I was poking around the websites of some jazz clubs I go to every now and wouldn't you know it - Esperanza Spalding had a gig at Catalina Bar & Grill. Tonight.

Ordinarily, I wouldn't have gone. It was too late to try to get a date... I wasn't really dressed for it... I didn't have a reservation...

But I thought: this is serendipity. Plus, this girl's gonna get real big real soon and then I'll have pack into some cavernous venue to see her. So after work, I drove over the hill to Catalina. It was a sell-out, standing room only crowd. But I managed to get a seat in the bar area. I had to share a table with someone which ordinarily I'd hate, but it turns out the kid was a friend of Esperanza's drummer. A drummer himself (and also from New Jersey), we had a very enjoyable conversation in the language of Jazz Geek. In a way, he reminded me of myself 10 years ago when I used to hit up jazz clubs far more often.

I don't think Esperanza will garner the popularity of a Norah Jones, but the show was very good. She plays stand-up bass while singing, and she plays her instrument unlike any bassist I've ever seen. She really moves around as she plays, and there are moment where she seems to be wrestling the bass, but mostly it appears as if she's dancing with it. As if the bass is Ginger Rogers to her Fred Astaire.

SUMMARY JUDGMENT

I have a TiVo wireless network adapter which allows me to download program information without using a phone line. Its ancillary feature is that it enables me to program my TiVo remotely via the internet. I can log on, look through the program guide and pick a show — and then through the miracle of the internets, my TiVo box knows to record that show. It's convenient/creepy.

So while at work the other day, I went looking though the TiVo program guide to see if there was anything on TV worth recording. There's not, but I did find some amusing loglines.

Here's a nice encapsulation of the film I'll Do Anything:

.
And here's how they sum up Man Of The Year:

Talk about a spoiler!

Loglines for Lifetime movies are particularly entertaining:

Ah, it's the age-old story.

.
But my favorite loglines are the ones for adult movies.


Be careful not to confuse the ASSraelis with the POLEstinians.


Their appetites... for sausage pizza?


Wow — a Henny Youngman reference in a porno film title.

I could never watch Do My Wife 55 though. Having not seen Do My Wife 1-54, I'd have no idea what was going on.

I GOTTA BE MII

Recently, I went to a birthday party for my friend Jerry. The main entertainment was (were?) video games, and one of those games was also the primary recreation at a party I went to in Seattle: Rock Band. The game Rock Band comes with a fake electric guitar, bass, drum kit and microphone. (No keyboard though. Perhaps a keyboard is included with Prog Rock Band: The Game). You pick a song from a list (everything from The Clash to Hole to Bon Jovi) and then four people try to play along. It's both incredibly entertaining and addictive.

After the excitement of Rock Band (it's a lot of fun, but it's also oddly stressful), we played a more sedate game on the Wii (pronounced Whee!). It's funny - I'm in West Hollywood with a bunch of people who probably haven't set foot in a bowling alley in 10 years... playing virtual bowling.

But before we could play, I had to create my Wii avatar - called a Mii (me). ( Jerry cleverly put a sign on the bathroom that said "Pii.")

I looked online, and it seems that people are obsessed with creating celebrity Miis. Here's a sample of some of the better ones.
    Angelina Jolie     Stephen Colbert        Jay Leno

Oh, and by the way - I suck at virtual bowling too. (But I'm still better at it than our next President.)

GAMES PEOPLE PLAY

Earlier I posted about my quest to Have Less Stuff. (See: LIFT AND SEPARATE where I gave away a xylophone that I have no recollection of acquiring.) On this episode of Less Is More, I part with my childhood games.


• CLUE (the board game about murder for children 8-12)
• CHESS
• CAREERS (one of my favorite games as a kid)
• BACKGAMMON (can't remember how to play that one)
• RUMMY Q (another childhood favorite whose rules are no longer in my brain)
• THE BEVERLY HILLS GAME (some kind of local Monopoly-type game)
• TWISTER (which was actually purchased by Zing Systems, L.P. for use in a training film.

Again, I posted an ad on Craigslist. The best response I got was from a schoolteacher named Ivy.

     "I work with children age 6-10 at Magnolia Elementary
     School downtown. Games are a wonderful therapeutic
     tool but unfortunately with all the school budget cuts
     teachers/therapists often have to spend out-of-pocket
     to get materials for the kids."

Someone I once knew used to scoff at me for not throwing all my unwanted stuff into the trash. But the lesson is — what seems worthless to one person is invaluable to someone else.

HE PUTS THE "OLD" IN "GRAND OLD PARTY"

The "John McCain is old" joke is as old as, well, John McCain himself. But the joke's on you - literally - when you wear this handsome McCain 2008 BC t-shirt from Diculous Designs. Go buy one now - because like McCain himself, this shirt is anything but conservative.

SEACREST OUT

On this day in 2004, I walked out the door of On Air With Ryan Seacrest never to return. I admit that from the beginning I never had much faith in that particular ill-fated five-day-a-week live talk show.

In the stand-up world, there's an expression: Know Your Audience. Meaning among other things - don't work blue during the early show. In this case, the folks behind On Air should have asked the question: Who's gonna watch this show?In most markets, it was on in the afternoons - around 3:00 p.m. So it's the Oprah crowd. But for some reason, the show seemed to have more of a TRL-meets-Entertainment-Tonight vibe. It was too hip for housewives and too lame for teenagers.

I spent my first few weeks writing material that was rejected by one of the EPs as being "too funny." I still have memos from him with that comment. (I imagined the viewer sitting in front of the TV set laughing... and then saying "Christ, this is too funny - I gotta change the channel!")

A couple of weeks later (after the entire writing department essentially gave up trying) Ryan came to me personally and asked me to write jokes for him for his opening remarks. So for a little while, I would sneak into his dressing room 15 minutes before the general morning meeting and give him material. Until. One day, an EP came in early and saw me with Ryan in his dressing room going over material. I was taken aside and told "Ryan isn't funny. Don't write jokes for him." And I was no longer allowed to meet with Ryan prior to the general meeting again.

It wasn't long before many good people started going insane - this is supervising producer Michael Weinberg at the precise moment he lost his mind.

After that, the writing department was more or less dissolved, and the opening remarks I wrote for Ryan became exclusively about American Idol. Which required me to go to the taping of Idol twice a week - every week. I started looking for another job.

I got one almost immediately, gave notice on the 13th and left for good on the 14th. The shame about On Air is that I think it actually could have worked. As it was, it was schizophrenic - from the dual foci of the show ("It's Extra and it's Rosie!") to the EPs who fought so violently in the office next to the writers room that it actually frightened one of my writers. But the conflicts never got resolved, and the show failed. I've heard Ryan landed on his feet.

I hardly ever get my photo taken with celebrities (except for the annual Christmas card), but there was one guest that I knew for the sake of my friends I had to be photographed with. So without his knowledge, I positioned myself behind West Beverly High’s Brandon Walsh while official On Air photographer Reena pretended to be taking a photograph of him for the On Air website.

I was never allowed to try to make Ryan Seacrest funny, but I consider this photograph one of my career triumphs.

DISMANTLED

Most of my carpentry projects involve putting things together. This one was the opposite - demolish Chris' fireplace mantle. I didn't have the foresight to take a BEFORE picture, but Nicole was smart enough to snap this DURING photo.

The trick was removing the mantle without accidentally ripping down the entire wall — a tall order because there was no access to the screws holding the mantle to the wall. I suspected we could get most of it down with a power saw and a crowbar — but I guess it's like the old saying goes... "When you all you have is a power saw and a crowbar, every problem seems like a mantle that needs to be demolished."

Here's the AFTER photo.

Actually, all of the walls stayed up — here's the real AFTER photo.As you can see, it's a total disaster: a perfectly good mantle was replaced by Paul Moyer.

RAW MEAT

I don't eat much red meat these days, but I'm a big fan of the miso skirt steak at Gyu-Kaku. So when Reena suggested it, I said "hai!" (Except that I said it in English.)

Gyu-Kaku is an interesting restaurant concept — it's sort of Benihana for control freaks. There's a charcoal grill in the middle of your table. The waitress brings you raw meat, fish, vegetables, etc., and you cook 'em. I've enjoyed every meal I've ever had at Gyu-Kaku, but at the end of the meal, there's always the question: How much do I tip the waitress for not cooking my food? I mean, if I'm doing all the cooking... shouldn't she be tipping me?

This time I got lucky: Reena did the grillin' and Matt paid for it. I plan to make up for it by taking them to sushi — that's raw food again, but this time no one has to even cook it.

THAT WOMAN

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TIME WARP

At the grocery store today, I saw this week's Time magazine. On the cover is a hideous chimera — a mythological creature with
the head of Hillary Clinton and...
the head of Barack Obama.
The title splashed across the photo it reads "There Can Be Only One."

But what caught my eye was the subtitle in the lower right corner:

"Three scenarios for how this can end"

Um, let's count...
1. Barack Obama wins the nomination.
2. Hillary