Friday, March 15, 2019

THE WAITING IS THE HARDEST PART

When my mother leaves the house, her dog runs to a 
serendipitously-placed window and stands there, staring and crying.

We should all be so lucky to have someone who cares that much about us.

Sunday, March 3, 2019

SHELL SHOCK

What do you dip fried egg egg chips in, bacon dip?

Saturday, February 2, 2019

DUMPLING DAY

Our li'l dumplings

Rainbow Dumplings 
(made with natural rainbow flavor)

Friday, January 25, 2019

ALL THE RAGE

By day, it's a Public Storage. By night...

Thursday, January 24, 2019

Friday, January 18, 2019

WHAT'S PLAN B?

To be honest, I'm not in good enough shape to plan for either of these.

Sunday, January 13, 2019

DEAD ANTS DEAD ANTS

The first thousand ant bites will knock you back a bit, 
but it's those last 50 or so that really do you in.

Friday, January 11, 2019

HOW DOMAINING

Cash-strapped because of the government shutdown, Ted Cruz is forced to sell his website.

Thursday, January 10, 2019

COKE IS (not) IT

You can customize your Coca-Cola bottle with any name… well, almost any.

Thursday, January 3, 2019

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

UNBEARABLE

It's always fun to see people complain about something being hacky by making the hackiest joke possible about it:




Tuesday, January 1, 2019

CITIUS, ALTIUS, CONSUMPTA

Look — I won the silver and bronze in food storage!

Monday, December 10, 2018

NEGATIVE SPACE

I can't figure out if this is good news or bad news what with the triple negatives.

Friday, November 9, 2018

SPARKLING CLEAN

After LUSH sells you bath shit loaded with glitter, 
do they then sell you some bath shit that gets rid of it?

Add caption

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Saturday, September 1, 2018

YELLOW CARD

I saw this thing at a vintage/antiques store. What is it?

Seriously, what in the world is it?

SUPER BAD BOYFRIEND

In the 1978 Superman movie, Superman let the love of his life get buried alive because of a promise he made to his mortal enemy's secretary.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

Saturday, August 25, 2018

HOLD IT

This is the only seat at the LA Memorial Coliseum that has a cup holder.



(if you think this is funny, maybe you'd love the t-shirts at TVsauce.com)

Thursday, August 23, 2018

ROGUE DUMPLINGS

Y'all come out and see my band, The Rogue Dumplings.

Sunday, July 22, 2018

Friday, May 18, 2018

THERE'S AN APP FOR WHAT?

See what's in your mailbox at any time BY OPENING YOUR MAILBOX.

#IRONY

#irony

Saturday, May 12, 2018

TOP DOG

Instead of sitting on the couch, our crazy dog likes to sit on top of it.


Snoopy sleeps on his doghouse, and this pup sleeps on the back of a couch.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

A candy store next to a Jenny Craig in Round Rock, Texas

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

TRICK

Continuing my annual Halloween tradition: taping an empty bag of candy to my door with a sign that reads "Take One Please."

Saturday, May 6, 2017

HORSESHIT

The Kentucky Derby is the hackiest two minutes in jokes.



Friday, April 7, 2017

UNFOLLOW

I have no interest in purchasing Twitter followers... but if I did, I'd be unlikely to buy them through someone with 34 Twitter followers.

Monday, March 27, 2017

DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS

Awhile back I was a writer on a cooking competition show. I wrote this line for the host:

"They say everything’s bigger in Texas, and this chili is no exception. It’s got 684 calories per serving – but the biggest problem is that half of them are from fat!"

A studio executive on the show gave the following note:
"Might not go over big with our Texas stations… omit Texas negative."

Saturday, March 25, 2017

NO WAY OUT

Los Angeles is the greatest (unlivable) city in the world!

Saturday, February 25, 2017

WITH ROD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE


This painting is entitled "Don't Poke Jesus With A Stick."

Nice hat.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

RATED R

Jeez — this tape is so graphic!