Thursday, December 13, 2012

IT'S ALL GREEK TO ME

Photos from the Steve Winwood concert at the Greek Theater November 16, 2012.

Continuing my series of incomprehensible concert photos: Steve Winwood

When it's not going to be a sellout, The Greek covers seats in fake ivy.

Bathroom stall cup holders. Ain't that America?

Thursday, November 29, 2012

ARM & HAMMERED

Last month I entered a contest sponsored by Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. As part of the contest, entrants had to submit a "baking soda tip" which would be judged by a panel.

Here are a few of my "tips."





Wednesday, November 21, 2012

SCREW YOU, "SEINFELD" AND "M*A*S*H" AND "MAD MEN"

The New York Times just reviewed the show I'm working on, Killer Karaoke.

The reviewer called it "the greatest show in television history."

As my friend Jerry Mahoney said, "This is a new high for you and/or a new low for print journalism."

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

CALLING IT

At 0% to 0% with 0% of the vote in,
NBC News is calling Vermont for Obama

Thursday, November 1, 2012

INFESTED WATERS

So it turns out I just had dry skin, but while looking it up on WebMD, I found another entertaining symptom:
What condition wouldn't be made worse 
by swimming in infested waters?

Monday, October 22, 2012

BULLSEYE

Spotted in the ashtray outside of a Target in the  San Fernando Valley: a mini bottle of Raynal brandy.

Friday, September 28, 2012

WHIFF

This new Old Spice product makes an unusual promise:

Because there's nothing ladies love more than
a man who smells like he's been in a sweaty 
locker room for the last 365 days.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

DISH OUT: PART 2

MasterChef has some of the most enticing ingredients on the planet.


...and then there's this thing.

We told the contestants that the sea urchins were deadly dangerous.
They'll believe pretty much anything we tell them.
Much in the same way that the audience will believe anything we tell them.
Like, for instance, a blind girl was the best cook.


Gordon's buddy David Beckham showed up one day.

Me 'n' Graham


Guy Savoy catches on to my surreptitious photo-taking.

The MasterChef wrap party

Monday, September 17, 2012

DISH OUT: PART 1

Now that Season 3 of MasterChef has come to a close, it's time for a photo retrospective.

It began with the Audition Episodes, filmed once again
in a warehouse in the blighted city of Lynwood, California. 
Making an encore appearance: the scores of fake produce crates. 
(However, the mangy dog from last year was replaced by a new mangy dog.)



"I ain't no bum, Mick! I ain't no bum!"


I know that spatula's around here somewhere...

The first Team Challenge: cooking at Camp Pendleton.


This is the Sikorsky CH-53E Super Stallion, the U.S. military's biggest helicopter. 
It blew our crew off its feet (and nearly toppled the jib camera).


Someone tell the talent that this is gonna be louder than the limo they're used to.

Even though I'm Hollywood scum, the colonel was very nice to me. 
(He mentioned that he's not a big Bill Maher fan.)


We got million-dollar props and hundreds of extremely overqualified extras thanks to you, the U.S. taxpayer!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

URINE LUCK

The next time the bladder leakage product company Poise decides to sponsor a sweepstakes, perhaps they ought to avoid one that ends with "or bust."


Friday, August 31, 2012

CHAIRMAN EASTWOOD

When Clint Eastwood spoke to President Obama at last night's Republican National Convention, it wasn't the first time he'd shared the stage with a powerful leader.


Sunday, August 26, 2012

ADD A "VAN"



I'm working on a new bit.

The premise of it is taking one word from a song title and replacing it with the word "van."





The Beatles:
"Got To Get You Into My Van"

Billy Ocean:
"Get Out Of My Dreams, Get Into My Van"

Cutting Crew:
"I Just Died In Your Van Tonight"

Peabo Bryson:
"If Ever You're In My Van Again"

Sergio Mendez:
"I'm Never Gonna Let You Go, I'm Gonna Hold You In My Van Forever"

Monday, August 13, 2012

THE GREAT DEPRESSION

My favorite part about the animated Abilify commercials is when Depression fills out the medical forms.


I wonder who Depression's "In Case Of Emergency" is.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Thursday, August 9, 2012

NOW HEAR THIS

Amazon.com just delivered me this genuine pair of Apple iPhone "earphonees."


Wednesday, August 1, 2012

NOT THIS iPAD, THAT iPAD

At the Apple Store, there used to be signs next to each product with helpful details about the item. Nowadays, instead of signs, Apple has iPads next to each product; the iPads have all the pertinent product information.

But that means at the iPad display, next to each iPad is another iPad explaining what the first iPad does.

Bottom: the iPad
Top: the iPad that explains what the bottom iPad does

Monday, July 16, 2012

SEA WORLD SAN DIEGO

I like how the trainer puts her hands up in the air "ta-da" style
as if she's propelling the 2,000-pound orca into the air herself.

This is the most perfectly-timed photograph I've ever taken.
(This is the least perfectly-timed one.)




Be adorable... be very adorable.





Sharks are the evil murderers of the sea, but everyone's safe
as long as they don't find an exit out of the tank.
Uh-oh.




Tuesday, July 10, 2012

TIME WARNER: INNOVATORS

According to its own corporate website, the folks at Time Warner "are innovators in technology, products and services." Here's the TW Customer Service Chat that occurred when I tried to change my Time Warner online user name:







I guess Time Warner is still innovating that whole name-change technology.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Monday, June 11, 2012

FULL BODY SCRUB

I snapped this photo of a sign I saw in the Valley recently.
FULL BODY SCRUB $29
The question is — is that a product or a service?


Sunday, April 15, 2012

THE SADDEST TOYS IN THE WORLD: PART 4

Some people collect baseball cards or stamps. I collect photos of sad, angry or otherwise disconcerted toys.

PART ONE
PART TWO
PART THREE

Sad Panda


Boo Berry: This is your ghost on drugs.














Tuesday, April 3, 2012

BETTER LATE: PART 9

I got into the Late Show Top Ten Contest again. It's the ninth time I've made the list.

Here's the original BETTER LATE post (updated a few times).





TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR "Brokeback Mountain" (01/01/2006)
#4: "The Good, The Bad, and The Fabulous"

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW TV SHOWS (10/11/2008)
#7: Project Amway

TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO DIRTY PIRATE JOKES (04/25/2009)
#1: "Yo, ho."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BROADWAY SHOW IS IN TROUBLE (12/25/2010)
#6: Music by Stephen Sondheim, Lyrics by Stephen Baldwin

TOP TEN NEWT GINGRICH PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN SLOGANS (06/28/2011)
#10: Isn't It Time For An Old, White President?

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE JOINED A BAD ONLINE SOCIAL NETWORK (07/05/2011)
#1: The Winklevoss Twins hardly ever sue it.

TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW HOLIDAY TOYS (12/10/2011)
#1: Barbie's Foreclosed Dream House

Monday, March 5, 2012

MY FAVORITE CAPTCHAS (PART 2)

Part 1 is here.

I'm not even sure what language that one on the right is written in.

Having a hard time finding the 5/6 key on my computer.
I solved for V and accidentally invented cold fusion.

The legacy of Quayle lives on.

This is the most Zen Captcha ever.