WHY SO SINEWY?

If you've always wanted rock-hard abs on your back, 
you can't go wrong with this Batman backpack.

DECORATIVE

This wooden egg from West Elm is "for decorative use only." So don't go trying to make a Denver omelet with it, okay?

PEPPER POTBELLIED

Found at my local Hallmark — this fat Iron Man doll. I can't decide whether this looks like Tony Stark ate too many Chocodiles or just had a bad allergic reaction to shellfish.

BALLISTIC MISSIVES

While at the Churchill War Rooms in London last summer, I purchased some great postcards featuring replicas of World War II propaganda posters.

Interesting choice — trying to recruit soldiers using the fashion angle.

More sartorial propagnda. I'm not sure why long sleeves were so dangerous. Maybe the Allies were rationing fabric?

Hm... they knew to avoid those deadly carbs even back then.

That's good advice even in peacetime.

PART OF A DISTURBING BREAKFAST

Safeway (aka Vons) sells generic versions of sugary cereals. Each one has its own loony mascot. And each one is utterly terrifying. Witness:

Cinnamon Crunch is the generic version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. The mascot of the name-brand cereal is a kindly old baker named Wendell. But Safeway has chosen a space alien to represent their cereal. Is there some connection between extra terrestrials and cinnamon that I don't know about?

Well, obviously Cocoa Nuggets is the generic of Cocoa Krispies. Now, if the cereal were banana flavored, the monkey mascot would make sense. And maybe I could get on board this mascot if he were a brown monkey. You know — brown like cocoa. But inexplicably, he's a green monkey! 
(By the way, there are green monkeys. Known as Sabaeus monkeys, they spread the deadly Marburg Virus in the '60s.)

Okay, this one's on the nose. But hey — Apple Orbits makes more sense than Apple Jacks, right? 
Are you noticing the pattern with these mascots? They all have scarily protracted tongues. And crazy eyes.

Safeway's version of Froot Loops employs an amphibian instead of Toucan Sam. Well, at least the absurdly elongated tongue makes sense on a frog.

It took me a while to figure out what Crackles was the generic for — it's Cap'n Crunch. Once you understand that, the Crackles mascot makes sense; as a sea creature, he's even more nautical than Horatio Magellan Crunch. But he's not just an octopus — he's a pirate octopus! (which I suppose makes the proposition of "walking the plank" far less treacherous)

The rabbit mascot of Marshmallow Magic (literally the poor man's Lucky Charms) is the most unnerving. His tongue is thankfully not as tumescent, but I haven't seen such haunting eyes since the final frame of Roman Polanski's Repulsion.

BACK TO SEATTLE

I last went to Seattle in 2008. It's a great place to go whenever I feel like I've had enough of the Priuses and Whole Foodses of Southern California... and want to visit the Prisues and Whole Foodses of the Pacific Northwest.

Once again, I flew Virgin America. The Miami Vice lighting really helps assuage the anger of paying $25 to check a bag.

My new favorite sign: The Fish Ladder at the Hiram M. Chittenden (Ballard) Locks
Though strictly speaking, this is a fish climbing stairs, not a ladder.

We watched baby steelheads struggle to work their way up the fish ladder... and then later enjoyed a salmon dinner at Salty's on Alki Beach

This is Paul Sorey's sculpture entitled Salmon Waves.

There's nothing I enjoy more than a factory tour, so I made sure to hit the one at the Theo Chocolate Factory.

Did You Know: Chocolate bars are made up of 40% stone. Mostly pumice.

IN FLUX

Someone dropped this paper bag with a note on it in the parking lot where I work. It's a shame, because whoever lost it seems to have invented the Flux Capacitor.

BOURNE FOR PRESIDENT

While attending UCLA in the '90s (as of all things a Theater major), I discovered that to run for Student Body President, all you needed was to get 75 students to sign a form supporting your candidacy. I walked around campus with the petition and got 75 strangers to sign it. Then my campaign began.

The thing is, I didn't stand for anything. Having a platform never even occurred to me; I just wanted to be on the ballot. I raised no money — I had only one campaign sign, and it was made with scrap wood and a magic marker.

For a while, my campaign slogan was "Jonathan Bourne: 75 people can't be wrong!" But eventually I decided I would blatantly pander to the electorate. Hm... what issue could I champion that would make college kids vote for me? And that's when I hit on the idea of a campus bar.

I claimed that UCLA was the only UC school without a campus bar. To this day, I have no idea whether or not that's true. When the Daily Bruin asked for my platform, I submitted one that proposed shutting down the Daily Bruin and replacing it with a weekly magazine resembling the nation's most popular periodical, TV Guide. With the savings, we'd open a UCLA bar. The editors did not take kindly to my platform.

Despite my drunken co-ed bait, I lost the election (coming in behind a student who ran as "Ludwig Van Beethoven).

As a result of the 2% of the electorate who voted for me, no candidate received enough votes to win the Presidency outright. This would trigger a runoff election between the top two candidates, one of whom was Kate Anderson. Much to my amazement, I received a call from Anderson asking if I would tell my "constituency" to throw their support behind her in the runoff election. Constituency? I didn't even know anyone who voted for me!

Nevertheless, I told Anderson that I'd alert my voting bloc to support her candidacy — in exchange for being named "Theater Czar." Needless to say, after Anderson won the runoff election, I never heard from her again.

Twenty years later, Kate Anderson is running for Los Angeles Unified School Board, District 4. Though Anderson does have that valuable experience from being UCLA Student Body President, on March 5th I intend to write in my vote for LAUSD School Board Director: Jonathan Bourne. Because 75 people can't be wrong.

BEYOND

This was on TV the other day.
What exactly is Beyond Scared Straight? Scared Gay?

ROCKET ROAD

It's sad that astronaut ice cream outlasted astronauts.

THE GENTLER SEX

The Women's Shoe Department at the Westside Pavilion Macy's

LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS DAY 2: WAR & VOLLEYBALL

Day 2 began with a trip to the Churchill War Rooms, the actual underground bunker where the British Bulldog and his wartime cabinet lived and worked during the Blitz.

One of the most bizarre celebrity sightings ever: legendary NFL coach Tony Dungy.

Okay, it's Big.

Here are our gold medal volleyball match seats on TV. 
For half the match, I got a great view of Destiny Hooker.

Awkward: Captain America and Captain Brazil got seated together.

LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS DAY 1: EYE ON BASKETBALL

Day One began with a mad dash throughout London. From Heathrow... to the single Olympic will call pickup location in Paddington... and then all the way back to O2. The signage on The Tube is truly delightful. (and alightful)

Prior to departing the US, I wanted to buy tickets for Basketball Semi Finals knowing that the USA would certainly be in it. The only problem was — which Semi Final game: 1 or 2? The Olympic website gave no indication as to which bracket would be playing in which Semi. I guessed. I guessed wrong. We saw Spain vs. Russia. I'm not saying the Russians intentionally threw the game, but later they were awarded the gold medal in Synchronized Take-A-Dive-ing.

Wenlock, the cycloptic metallic mascot isn't the worst in Olympic history, but he might be the most frightening. I swear the eye follows you around the room.

LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS DAY 1: GETTING THERE

I guess United Airlines was preparing me for the notoriously bad food in England.

ARM & HAMMERED

Last month I entered a contest sponsored by Arm & Hammer Baking Soda. As part of the contest, entrants had to submit a "baking soda tip" which would be judged by a panel.

Here are a few of my "tips."

SCREW YOU, "SEINFELD" AND "M*A*S*H" AND "MAD MEN"

The New York Times just reviewed the show I'm working on, Killer Karaoke.

The reviewer called it "the greatest show in television history."

As my friend Jerry Mahoney said, "This is a new high for you and/or a new low for print journalism."

INFESTED WATERS

So it turns out I just had dry skin, but while looking it up on WebMD, I found another entertaining symptom:

What condition wouldn't be made worse 
by swimming in infested waters?

DISH: PART 2

MasterChef has some of the most enticing ingredients on the planet.

...and then there's this thing.

We told the contestants that the sea urchins were deadly dangerous.
They'll believe pretty much anything we tell them.

Gordon's buddy David Beckham showed up one day.

Me 'n' Graham

Guy Savoy catches on to my surreptitious photo-taking.

The MasterChef wrap party

DISH: PART 1

Now that Season 3 of MasterChef has come to a close, it's time for a photo retrospective.

The set and lighting designers on this show are geniuses. 
You would never know that the Audition Episodes 
are filmed in a warehouse in Lynwood, California. 

And those produce crates are filled with tile. 

"I ain't no bum, Mick! I ain't no bum!"

I know there's a spatula around here somewhere...

The first Team Challenge: cooking at Camp Pendleton.

This is the Sikorsky CH-53E Super Stallion, the U.S. military's biggest helicopter. 

It blew our crew off its feet (and nearly toppled the jib camera).

Someone tell the talent that this is gonna be louder than the limo they're used to.

Even though I'm Hollywood scum, the colonel was very nice to me. 

We got million-dollar props and hundreds of extremely overqualified extras thanks to you, the U.S. taxpayer!